Self esteem...crashing!

I can honestly say , this is the single hardest thing I've ever done. I'm not very good at jiu jitsu...and that's hard on me. I want to be good. The fact that instructors and other students have to be patient with me is not easy for me to digest. I think I deal with failure better than I do with pity, real or imagined. I've read other people's stories...people in worse shape, older, less coordinated, injured, slow to learn and I feel almost petty for so consistently forgetting what advantages I do have. What bothers me is not being bad. I'm not bad. I'm simply not good.

 

I finally learned a guard pass tonight that I think I can latch on to. Someone was reading my mind because I've been scouring the Internet for one. Funny, because it involves going from kneeling to standing...a movement that's physically very difficult for me. A few years ago, I couldn't stand from a kneeling position at all (still can't do a full squat). I have genetically HORRIBLE knees, and it's taken quite a bit of work to get myself to the point where I can stand on my own. Adding the weight of another human being just makes it incredibly difficult (not to mention I kept forgetting to keep my hips tucked). The biggest impediment though, is fear. I expect pain, or joints buckling, or spontaneous combustion. None of those things happened, but the expectation takes my focus off what I'm doing and redirects it to places that are hard to come back from. I do worry though, that I'm going to be in some nasty pain tomorrow. I have that same feeling in my knees when I used to dance just a little too long or spin just a few too many times in one night.

 

We're going to be focusing on guard passes for a while, which makes me happy, because I have none that I'm really taking to. Being in some one's guard and getting the mount are the two positions that leave me blank.

 

I've been having a really rough time sleeping. I started MSM supplements for my joints when I started BJJ and one of the potential side effects is sleeping issues. I don't normally remember my dreams, and this stuff has me present for all of them. I'm waking up feeling like I haven't slept more than ten minutes. I've been taking it at night, so hopefully switching them to the morning will make things easier. I've been a tad zombi-fied at work lately and that's not gonna fly with all the growth and changes that are going on on my side of the health care continuum.

 

I made it four whole months without buying another book or DVD...woo! To celebrate, I bought a book and DVD:) Following the recommendations of Slideyfoot, I picked up Roy Dean's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Blue Belt Requirements, Mastering Jiu Jitsu and The Guard: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu Details and Techniques. Fine...two books and a DVD. I figure they should keep me busy for quite some time.