How I got over my anxiety...and a night with old dudes and a hybrid.

That shirt down there, is from my middle school physical education uniform (I can't find the dark blue daisy dukes). Our year was broken into six week segments learning the rules and techniques of different sporting events. Football, basketball, golf, baseball, soccer, bowling, tennis, raquetball, track and field...I'm sure I'm missing a couple in there. I love my little middle and elementary school, but PE was the source of some of the most embarassing moments in my life.

I sometimes forget about the wide range of non-physical issues people are dealing with while training. I saw a post on a forum today of a guy who, 2 years into training, is still getting really bad anxiety going into class. He got quite a few questions from people who suffer from social anxiety issues and people who were just straight up scared. It got me thinking of how I got past that horrible, gut-wrenching fear that used to have me hiding in my car and the bathroom before class.


I started noticing I was much less anxious on open mat nights, which had a few differences from the regular class, so I started mentally removing every small component of the class I could think of...watching the "big kids's class", lining up, running, drills, watching a technique, repeating a technique, being corrected on a technique, getting water, picking a partner for rolling, rolling, shaking hands, changing...everything I could think of, and imaging how I would feel stepping into that class.

Turns out it was the warmup and ending up "the sweaty one". It had me going back to days as "the slow kid" in middle school. I started paying more attention to higher belts and realized I wasn't the only one having problems. Seeing that I wasn't alone combined with time helped me get past the anxiety. Now I just dislike it. Not running is the only perk of otherwise suck-tastic turf toe.

Tonight's class was a weird mix. Lots of 30+ guys and some converts from the no-gi class. After class, one of the higher belts whispered to me "hey...you hear all the old guys?" They were all in the corner, comparing ages. "I'm 45." "I'm 42." "Oh yeah, I'm 48." We chuckled and he asked how old I was (I think that's a big hallmark of of acceptance...the guys asking your weight or age without stuttering.) I then, once again, revealed my nerd status.

I've rolled with most of them before and normally they're chill...but let me tell you, tonight? I was glad to be with Mr. ThisismysecondgiclassandeventhoughIagreedtogolightI'mgoingtotrytocrackyourjawlikearipepecan. The old dudes were going for BLOOD tonight. There were four of them and the previously chill guys turned to flaming balls of aggression. But yeah...Mr. NoGi. Rolling with someone lost in a gi, but who knows non-gi related moves makes for a weird flow. At one point he let out a little yelp, looked at me and said "everytime you grab for something, I get worried at what you're about to do"...and then exploded into a clean guard pass.

It was a funny, great night, despite being toe-limited. 

Teacher punching student: What would you do?

Just saw this on the news...



Watching, I wondered what I would have done in a similar situation...pre-BJJ, throwing a punch probably would have been my first reaction when threatened with larger male backing me into a corner. After training though (especially since I don't train striking), I honestly think I may have gone for a takedown. The thought of seeing that on video though...a teacher taking down and choking out a student...the visual...I feel like the court decision would have turned out differently. 

I suck at new levels.

I've felt like I suck before, but tonight, I was able to feel inferior while doing NOTHING. I have half a mind to pat myself on the back for accomplishing such a feat of self-deprecation.

I went to the no-gi class despite my distaste for the slippery-art and my turfed-toe. I told myself "Self, we're gonna go to class, not run, do drills from the bottom, pushups from the knees and we will NOT train. We will not." So what'd I do? I trained. I was pleased to find that I made it through with no problems at all, save getting stuck in guard because of my limited passing options. Afterward, I was playing with one of the babies as competition class was starting when the head instructor looked at me and asked "what are you waiting for?" I went and put on my snazzy new Vulkan (which I love...to...death) and entered the mats just as the drills were ending. Then I heard it..."Against the wall!". Crap. Judo. Judo makes me feel like a fumbling basket of uncoordination.

I know it's useful. I know it's important. I just canNOT get into it. So I made it through a few runs up and down the mats, fumbling and stumbling, pleased that I was at least able to get grips right. We started taking the throws all the way to the floor, so I sat out the rest of class. I was cool for a bit, but I felt so silly. I was sitting next to the instructors wife  and told her how it was bothering me how I couldn't train. She replied that it was good that I came and got something in instead of just sitting at home. Still felt crappy. Talked to the lady pro fighter who was also nursing wounds. Still felt crappy.

Tomorrow's non-competition class should help me get back to a normal state of ego. Oh...and I'm starting to understand Portuguese. 

What I learned (and didn't learn) from armbars from mount.

This submission has plagued me like no other before...though I think I may be glamorizing the good ol' days of triangle frustration.

I think though, that it is an excellent example of the recent clarity I've had in how I learn physical things. Not surprisingly, it is very similar to how I learn the intangible. I'm a top down learner, which means details are little more than disconnected lists of rote memorization until I know what the whole puzzle looks like. Always making comparisons to my adventures in language learning, I'm starting to make efforts to translate what I learned not to do while studying Japanese, and learned TO do in Spanish and Mandarin.

Here are the methods I use when studying language:

• Listen as much as possible. 8 hrs a day of foreign radio at work, more at home and while driving if possible.
• Study grammar, but in very, very small pieces that you concentrate on identifying during your listening sessions throughout the day.
• Study vocabulary, but no more than 2-3 words a day that you keep an ear out for during listening sessions.
• Engage in small, simple conversations as much as possible
• Spend as much time as possible talking to native speakers.
• Spend time with other learners for the sake of explanation and guidance from someone who's walked the same path you have.
• Spend time with less advanced learners for the sake of explanation and guidance. Minimize listening, especially when starting off. 
• Change little parts of your life for skills that require pure memorization (counting stretching in your non-native tongue, reading off numbers on signs you see, etc.)
• Watch movies and shows in genres you enjoy in a foreign language
• Listen to rap in that language (sounds nuts, but it does wonders for comprehension, listening speed and accent if you start to sing along)

This part right here? The bane of my jiu jitsu existence. 

Basically, I prefer a more subconscious method of language acquisiton partnered with light use of bottom-up methods like drills and vocabulary.

What's that mean in the world of BJJ? I find rolling more helpful than drilling. Now before the drilling police find me, I appreciate the importance of drilling...after 10 years of piano scales and finger exercises, I know all too well that certain muscle function is only acquired with massive amounts of time spent in repetition of movement. Beyond that though, when it comes to understanding a position, I need to see it in action. I need to watch other people react. I know I'm at a disadvantage because I've never watched MMA or grappling before training, so I have to watch more matches and more higher belts rolling...higher only. If I watch lower belts, I'll pick up their habits. I spent a year teaching newbies to Mandarin the basics of pronunciation, thinking "Yay! I'm helping someone learn Mandarin and at the same time, will improve my own because teaching helps you learn!" Yeah...only kinda. It helped me in my understanding of theory, but application? My tones muddied and I slowed massively in vocabulary acquisition.

So last week, I was sitting in a lesson with WrestlerInstructor (brown) and KickboxerInstructor (purple), having the steps of an armbar explained to me. While trying not to completely smother the poor teen that was my dummy for the day, I would imitate, and then go off on my own tangential efforts of understanding overarching concepts, letting go of any details that had just been given me.

I'll imitate a detail to advance a lesson, but I don't focus until I get the purpose. As a child, I did this in private, trying to follow along while my mind was racing, looking for the big picture. As an adult, I've learned to repeat what I see as the purpose of a detail, out loud. I have yet to have an instructor that didn't respond with a confirmation or correction.

I can though, see how this could be frustrating for an instructor. I imagine it can come off as if I'm forgetful or not listening, which in actuality, I'm simply not ready for the details I'm being given at the time. I'm thinking I'd benefit from discussion of a position before any demonstration begins.

Here are some issues I've found crop up for me in the step-by-step method of BJJ instruction:

• I can repeat steps when they're presented to me, but retention is far from optimal.
• I can explain steps when they're presented, but application while rolling will be difficult.
• I miss steps because I find myself concentrating on the entire move.
• If a step has to be modified for my body type and I haven't grasped the entire big picture, I have to start rebuilding said picture from scratch.
• Performing variations becomes difficult.
• Countering an opponent's reactions becomes a daunting task of memorizing prescribed reactions to prescribed situations...neither of which can even come close to covering all the possibilities that come up in training.
• I stall. A lot.  

I'm comforted somewhat by a gong fu friend of mine who "suffers" from the same issue. His sensei told him that his method of learning is much slower at the beginning, but provides for a more solid foundation of understanding since you are trying to learn much more from the get go.

Oh...the translation of that language rules...

• Watch as much as possible. Get on YouTube and watch matching of grapplers you respect. Especially those with similar body types and strengths/weaknesses
• Study principles, but only one or two at a time. Find people at the gym who execute them well and watch them.
• Study moves but only a couple at a time. Focus on identifying them while you're watching others roll.
• Position specific, full resistance drills are your friends.
• Spend as much time as possible with high level belts.
• Spend time with blues and high whites for the sake of explanation and guidance from someone who's memory is fresh on what it's like to be a newbie.
• Teach other white belts. When rolling, play offense as much as possible. (I'm finding that defense against white belts isn't a very valuable skill.) 
• Incorporate drills into your life. Stretch at work. Bridge and hip shoot to get moving in the morning. Use bodyweight exercises to come down from work.
• Watch Red Belt.
• Listen to Brazilian rap. 

Jiujitsu as Religion

From the use of phrases like "Oh my Rickson Gracie" and "Rickson Gracie bless you" to long, heart-felt posts on how much meaning and camaraderie training BJJ has brought people, you don't have to travel far across the internet to see the juxtaposition of religion and our art. Being a practicing Christian, and having had my share of ups and downs navigating the world of the church, it concerns me.

Why? Because, like in the beginnings of many religions, I see, on the surface, gushing triumph, bonds being formed and monumental personal success and growth. In private, from personal experiences and the testimony of others, I see people working through the all too human, and all too common issues that come about when people do things with other people that might not be doing things for the most pure reasons. On a larger scale, the idea of BJJ losing its potency and incredibly unique camaraderie, like so many religions and other arts have done after becoming more commodity than personal journey, saddens me.

I've said it before, but I do not believe in doing anything solely for its own sake. The art can advance to the point where we're levitating ourselves into mount, but if that means we leave in our wake a trail of broken, scarred or disappointed souls, the loss was not worth the gain. As Roy Dean put it...

Allow the discipline to transform you.  A lot of people end up serving the discipline; they get injured, they give up their wife, they give up their job to chase the discipline.  The discipline should enhance your life, you should never serve the discipline.  And sometimes you lose perspective on that.  I have certainly stepped over that line where I’ve lost perspective and overtrained.  “Oh, this means so much.”  Where you’re crushed after a loss, you’re elated after a victory.  Hey man these are just markers, they’re milestones on your own journey.  No one else is watching.  It’s your own trip.  Enjoy it.  Craft your journey carefully and you will discover who you are.

No, I do not take this as an emergency, and I love to see the amazing transformations practice has brought about in people's (my own included) lives, but it is, I think, a bit of a warning sign...a reason to stay vigilant in the behavior of people we see around us and do our personal best to be the most honorable, responsible, caring and contentious practitioners we can be.

I'm so glad I ended up in a martial art that involves live sparring.

I spent years trying to find a martial art that suited me. Tai chi lessons, years of research and multiple rejections of BJJ because of the physical proximity...at least a solid five years of active searching.

I remember one night dancing at a local Salsa club and coming out of a cross body lead, I got this nagging feeling that the dance would never quite fulfill an internal need for competition and aggression.

So yeah...looking on Wikipedia under the BJJ article and seeing that the hardness level BJJ registers under is the highest possible for training an art...well, it makes me smile.