200mL to go until I have normal lung capacity!

That is all.

"Wow...it actually doesn't look like sex."

That paraphrases what a friend of mine said after I sent her a video of Roy Dean demonstrating an armbar. I've found myself watching his videos just for the sake of seeing him spar. Admittedly, there aren't a lot of people with a lot of slo-mo video available, but I still think there's something insanely graceful about the way he flows.

Top 10 Fight Songs

I'm sitting here festering in injury funk so imaginary rolling has been a good friend this last month of half-sparring. Here are a few of the songs that make me feel like I NEED to fight somebody. need.

1) Xzibit-Concentrate
2) System of a Down-Chop Suey
3) Beyonce-Run the World
4) Tan Dun-In the Chess Court (the track from that awesomely insane fight between Donnie Yen and Jet Li in Hero)
5) Jay Z- On to the Next one
6) Goodie MoB-Who's that Peeking in my Window
7) Shiro Sagisu-Storm Center
8) Biggie Smalls and Bone Thugs 'n' Harmony-Notorious Thugs
9) Disturbed-Stupified
10) Clint Mansell-Requiem for a Dream

*honorable mention-Trick Daddy-Bet That

How I got over my anxiety...and a night with old dudes and a hybrid.

That shirt down there, is from my middle school physical education uniform (I can't find the dark blue daisy dukes). Our year was broken into six week segments learning the rules and techniques of different sporting events. Football, basketball, golf, baseball, soccer, bowling, tennis, raquetball, track and field...I'm sure I'm missing a couple in there. I love my little middle and elementary school, but PE was the source of some of the most embarassing moments in my life.

I sometimes forget about the wide range of non-physical issues people are dealing with while training. I saw a post on a forum today of a guy who, 2 years into training, is still getting really bad anxiety going into class. He got quite a few questions from people who suffer from social anxiety issues and people who were just straight up scared. It got me thinking of how I got past that horrible, gut-wrenching fear that used to have me hiding in my car and the bathroom before class.


I started noticing I was much less anxious on open mat nights, which had a few differences from the regular class, so I started mentally removing every small component of the class I could think of...watching the "big kids's class", lining up, running, drills, watching a technique, repeating a technique, being corrected on a technique, getting water, picking a partner for rolling, rolling, shaking hands, changing...everything I could think of, and imaging how I would feel stepping into that class.

Turns out it was the warmup and ending up "the sweaty one". It had me going back to days as "the slow kid" in middle school. I started paying more attention to higher belts and realized I wasn't the only one having problems. Seeing that I wasn't alone combined with time helped me get past the anxiety. Now I just dislike it. Not running is the only perk of otherwise suck-tastic turf toe.

Tonight's class was a weird mix. Lots of 30+ guys and some converts from the no-gi class. After class, one of the higher belts whispered to me "hey...you hear all the old guys?" They were all in the corner, comparing ages. "I'm 45." "I'm 42." "Oh yeah, I'm 48." We chuckled and he asked how old I was (I think that's a big hallmark of of acceptance...the guys asking your weight or age without stuttering.) I then, once again, revealed my nerd status.

I've rolled with most of them before and normally they're chill...but let me tell you, tonight? I was glad to be with Mr. ThisismysecondgiclassandeventhoughIagreedtogolightI'mgoingtotrytocrackyourjawlikearipepecan. The old dudes were going for BLOOD tonight. There were four of them and the previously chill guys turned to flaming balls of aggression. But yeah...Mr. NoGi. Rolling with someone lost in a gi, but who knows non-gi related moves makes for a weird flow. At one point he let out a little yelp, looked at me and said "everytime you grab for something, I get worried at what you're about to do"...and then exploded into a clean guard pass.

It was a funny, great night, despite being toe-limited. 

Teacher punching student: What would you do?

Just saw this on the news...



Watching, I wondered what I would have done in a similar situation...pre-BJJ, throwing a punch probably would have been my first reaction when threatened with larger male backing me into a corner. After training though (especially since I don't train striking), I honestly think I may have gone for a takedown. The thought of seeing that on video though...a teacher taking down and choking out a student...the visual...I feel like the court decision would have turned out differently. 

I suck at new levels.

I've felt like I suck before, but tonight, I was able to feel inferior while doing NOTHING. I have half a mind to pat myself on the back for accomplishing such a feat of self-deprecation.

I went to the no-gi class despite my distaste for the slippery-art and my turfed-toe. I told myself "Self, we're gonna go to class, not run, do drills from the bottom, pushups from the knees and we will NOT train. We will not." So what'd I do? I trained. I was pleased to find that I made it through with no problems at all, save getting stuck in guard because of my limited passing options. Afterward, I was playing with one of the babies as competition class was starting when the head instructor looked at me and asked "what are you waiting for?" I went and put on my snazzy new Vulkan (which I love...to...death) and entered the mats just as the drills were ending. Then I heard it..."Against the wall!". Crap. Judo. Judo makes me feel like a fumbling basket of uncoordination.

I know it's useful. I know it's important. I just canNOT get into it. So I made it through a few runs up and down the mats, fumbling and stumbling, pleased that I was at least able to get grips right. We started taking the throws all the way to the floor, so I sat out the rest of class. I was cool for a bit, but I felt so silly. I was sitting next to the instructors wife  and told her how it was bothering me how I couldn't train. She replied that it was good that I came and got something in instead of just sitting at home. Still felt crappy. Talked to the lady pro fighter who was also nursing wounds. Still felt crappy.

Tomorrow's non-competition class should help me get back to a normal state of ego. Oh...and I'm starting to understand Portuguese.