I haven't hit my learning groove.

Seriously...less than a minute ago, it hit me that I haven't yet hit my BJJ learning groove. It all still feels somewhat awkward and bumpy.

I miss training. I know what I want to improve...what I want to specialize in...what I'm ignoring because I know it's just going to be an uphill battle (taking the back).

Not sure what that means, if it's a problem, or if injury fatigue is starting to set in. My best guess is that I've hit a point in my training where the newness has totally worn off and I want focus and a game plan and direction.

On a side note, I'm really starting to worry about my foot. I've been in the boot for a week and I still have shocking pain if anything bumps into my big toe. (Thankfully the two baby-fractured ones seem to be healing ok.) It's terribly ironic that I hurt it the same day two purples and a brown belt gingerly walked me through the mystery and intimidation of stapling passes. All I want to do is drill them and I think it's going to be a while before I can do that properly.

If BJJ teaches you nothing else, it teaches you deep, internal patience.

Confessions of a Feminist Nutritionist

Seven years in and protein shakes are starting to get to me once again.

I'm posting this partially to remind myself to come back and read this when my eyes are a little less fatigued. It's a timely article for me, since, years before starting BJJ, I decided to start eating better overall to lose weight. Well...I ate less and lost weight, but I was eating only about 1200 calories a day of not-so-good food. So the weight came off, and I was working out, but I don't think I qualified as healthy. So I'm kicking around a new challenge in my head...one harder than under eating or working out too much or learning Mandarin or stepping on the mats for the second time (it was way harder than the first). I want to find the place in me that has a balanced relationship toward food. The place that understands that food is both nutrition and pleasure and abuses neither.

Here's the speech I'm reading through. It's long, and good. It's a pretty academic read, but it makes an effort to bridge the gap between movements centered around body image and actual programs to create change. Here's an excerpt...

Social justice advocates from all fields have made important critiques of:

• media representations
• publicly disseminated scientific knowledge claims
• and body-related practices and domains of knowledge such as medical science

This is important, because we are avid consumers of health- and body-related information. There are industries – such as the pharmaceutical industry or what I call the fitness-industrial complex – that profit from our bodies and from particular discourses.

And it’s especially important because it’s often the people who are most marginalized who have certain regimes enacted upon their bodies.

In other words, it is essential to have a critical social justice framework that takes up questions of ability, aging, racialization, access to care, etc.

I'm not announcing starting a diet or a goal or reaching a point of dissatisfaction. It's more that I've reached a point of decision to pick up a journey I started ten years ago. Funny, at the time, when I made a lot of permanent changes in my attitude toward food and eating, I thought I'd "finished". It's crazy how few things in life are ever, really "finished".

Adjusting to a BJJ body

Your body changes a lot when you train regularly, especially if you weren't previously active. Rougher skin, more muscle, less fat, more flexibility...and that's not to mention all the changes that can come from injury.

Several weeks back, I went out with my best friend to test out her newest photography gear. This is a sample of what resulted.

Trudy's photographed me many times before, but usually under more prepared circumstances...either I'd done my makeup and hair or my appearance was softened by the happiness of travel or peace of restedness. I'd never before been photographed wearing regular clothes, the emotional weight of a day's work and no makeup. On the way downtown, I had brief apprehensions, but I thought to myself that there was no reason I shouldn't be able to handle being photographed in my "natural" state, even knowing the pictures would be up for public viewing. For the first time, I didn't try to undo the strain of a day staring at spreadsheets, highlight my eyes or wear a top that camouflaged my short leg to torso ratio.

Once I saw this photo (my current Facebook profile pic) the very first thing that struck me was how much of jiu jitsu I could see on myself. I've always been self-conscious about my mid-section, and I saw a trunk that had been thickened through months of hip escapes. I saw short nails and thighs that are the thickest they've been in a long time.

I'm not gonna lie, I'm not 100% happy with where my fat content stands right now, but jiu jitsu has allowed me to accept my body in ways I haven't before.

Would you choose BJJ over your toe?

I guess the question is, which one? Maybe? No? Honestly, probably not, but I just heard about this story of Randy Couture's trainer, Neil Melanson, who, instead of facing a year off training, had his problem toe amputated.

Hard core. Redefined. 

Most grabby position...

Inspired by a post I read on Sherdog about reasons not to train with women...freaks aside, what position do you find yourself getting genuinely accidentally grabbed in?

I've heard a lot of complaints about full guard (a guy bracing on your chest to posture up), but I've had more issues when a guy takes my back and goes for a lapel. 

Men who won't roll with women...

So a couple weeks back at open mat, I noticed that my partner, who I've rolled with for...months now, had mysteriously disappeared mid drill. I figured he needed to tape a joint or something, so I stretched and watched some of the other guys drilling. A few minutes later he came back...

"Hey Megan. I have to tell you...when my wife's not here, I can't roll with you. We've been married for 20 years and..."

I explained that I had no problem. I'd rather a guy be up front with me about any issues they have rolling with women (don't know how to hold back, don't know how to control themselves, psycho significant other, girlfriend that trains, whatever) than to go through with it and risk injury, drama, or uncomfortable situations.

It got me thinking about what reason for not rolling with women WOULD actually get to me. The only one is the idea that they couldn't learn from a woman. Even men who don't spar for religious reasons don't bother me as much. While I don't like it, I'd rather someone manifest their abstention in their personal behavior than trying to restrict mine.

I'm curious as to whether lesbians have the same issue. I know of a few that train and have sparred with a couple and imagine it works the same way. Partners just assume gyms will be full of big sweaty guys.