That's what my (very patient) cousin who gets all my jiu jitu updates told me tonight.
Was it because of the pain? The sweat? The feet? The crotchly proximity? Nope. It's the emotional vulnerability and constant threat of public failure. It's the reason I was two seconds from breaking down in tears on the mats tonight. She gets my frustrations because she can be just as hard-driving with herself as I am. When I told her that as I was getting frustrated, people noticed and started helping in various ways, she knew exactly what I meant when I said that that's hard for me...appreciated, but hard. She knew why a word of encouragement in a moment like that could draw tears.
We were doing takedowns. I have...serious issues with them. I was beyond thankful I was with Mr. Rebarforligaments because I require patience and a gentle hand when it comes to anything that involves transitioning between standing and...not standing. Part of it is because I don't compete...which means even though we do drill them in class, I'd be doing a lot more if I were out there vying for medals. The other part is just that this is one of those things I have physical issues with...kinda like standing guard passes used to be. Actually, I think the last time I almost broke down was a standing guard pass years back.
I think the core of it though, is that they leave me feeling incompetent...they leave me with the reminder that, no matter how much I improve my physical state, my sense of self is pretty solidly set in stone at this point (as I believe it should be)...basically, I don't think I'll ever see myself as competent in the world of athletics. That is a lot for me to accept. I think most people prefer to stick to worlds where they feel generally competent.
That really hit me at the Ginastica Natural seminar yesterday (that's a vid of our head instructor). Alvaro Romano came in to lead it and it's really turned the way I'm looking at training on its head. While I used to dread (DREAD) 10 min warmups, I now go once a week for an hour long class of something very similar (thanks to a year of prodding from Fiona and LadyBug). I'm still nervous before I go...I still get sick at the thought just as I did with PE a kid, but that's fading. I'd done 3 or so classes with GinasticaInstructor before the seminar, so I wasn't completely lost. I didn't do well, but I didn't injure anyone else either. I could see progress in that short a time and I left...dare I say...even a little proud of my progress. Still though, seeing how different I am now than I was when I started AND still feeling like the physically awkward slow kid, I realized that there is only so much of your identity you can shake. That was finally nailed home when I was talking to one of the brown belts after class, and he made a comment about training healthy people like me and him. The fact that he'd my name, his and "health" in the same sentence took me aback just a bit...I almost didn't understand what he was trying to say.
...I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It's one of those things that just is...because feeling athletic isn't what drives me to learn jiu jitsu...neither is feeling unathletic. I just want to learn the art...unfortunately for me, takedowns are part of the deal.
Was it because of the pain? The sweat? The feet? The crotchly proximity? Nope. It's the emotional vulnerability and constant threat of public failure. It's the reason I was two seconds from breaking down in tears on the mats tonight. She gets my frustrations because she can be just as hard-driving with herself as I am. When I told her that as I was getting frustrated, people noticed and started helping in various ways, she knew exactly what I meant when I said that that's hard for me...appreciated, but hard. She knew why a word of encouragement in a moment like that could draw tears.
We were doing takedowns. I have...serious issues with them. I was beyond thankful I was with Mr. Rebarforligaments because I require patience and a gentle hand when it comes to anything that involves transitioning between standing and...not standing. Part of it is because I don't compete...which means even though we do drill them in class, I'd be doing a lot more if I were out there vying for medals. The other part is just that this is one of those things I have physical issues with...kinda like standing guard passes used to be. Actually, I think the last time I almost broke down was a standing guard pass years back.
I think the core of it though, is that they leave me feeling incompetent...they leave me with the reminder that, no matter how much I improve my physical state, my sense of self is pretty solidly set in stone at this point (as I believe it should be)...basically, I don't think I'll ever see myself as competent in the world of athletics. That is a lot for me to accept. I think most people prefer to stick to worlds where they feel generally competent.
That really hit me at the Ginastica Natural seminar yesterday (that's a vid of our head instructor). Alvaro Romano came in to lead it and it's really turned the way I'm looking at training on its head. While I used to dread (DREAD) 10 min warmups, I now go once a week for an hour long class of something very similar (thanks to a year of prodding from Fiona and LadyBug). I'm still nervous before I go...I still get sick at the thought just as I did with PE a kid, but that's fading. I'd done 3 or so classes with GinasticaInstructor before the seminar, so I wasn't completely lost. I didn't do well, but I didn't injure anyone else either. I could see progress in that short a time and I left...dare I say...even a little proud of my progress. Still though, seeing how different I am now than I was when I started AND still feeling like the physically awkward slow kid, I realized that there is only so much of your identity you can shake. That was finally nailed home when I was talking to one of the brown belts after class, and he made a comment about training healthy people like me and him. The fact that he'd my name, his and "health" in the same sentence took me aback just a bit...I almost didn't understand what he was trying to say.
...I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. It's one of those things that just is...because feeling athletic isn't what drives me to learn jiu jitsu...neither is feeling unathletic. I just want to learn the art...unfortunately for me, takedowns are part of the deal.
