I love it when I walk into the gym and there's music playing. Probably because the style is always a surprise. Tonight was reggae.
We went over triangle again tonight which made me very happy. I get the basic idea, but I'm just starting to remember the finer concepts. I learn by absorbing in stages, top down. Despite long legs, I'm still not locking it properly and always forget to grab my shin when adjusting. I guess I'll learn my lesson once enough people break out of it. I rolled with Wuzzup for the first time tonight (who just got his green belt). Rolling with whites/greens is helpful. I can understand what they're doing. Yes, he still dominated me, but he did things that I've been exposed to. Contrast that with my second roll (blue belt) who was flying all over me. Afterwards, he congratulated me on escaping from the back. I couldn't tell you what I did with him short of a couple of bridges and hip escapes to keep from getting crushed.
I haven't been eating after class, but managed to get some fruit and cheese down tonight. Hopefully it'll keep me from waking up at 2am and hunting for the nearest cow.
I need an alternative to FRS Chews. They keep me going through a whole class and help make up for any nutritional missteps I'd taken in the day but...um...they're kinda like Now and Laters spiked with crushed Flintstones vitamins and those nasty Valentine's day candy hearts. Just the thought of choking down two more makes me sad.
Instead of doing pushups I'm finishing off a cup of roasted tomato and crab soup . My left shoulder hurts. My right knee does too. Not as much as my ego though. I just finished my first attempt at some new stability ball exercises
I was bad...laughably bad...face plant into the floor bad. It's times like these that I envy shorter, more compact body types. Maybe it's a lack of experience, but I swear it would be easier to navigate my way around the floor if I were just a smaller human being. No complaints though, this is what BJJ is.
I have a tendency to zoom in on my greatest weaknesses, which, yeah, it pays off in the long-run, but it sure makes the short-run painful. It also subjects me to periods where I feel even more incompetent than the day I first stepped onto the mats. After taking on endeavors ranging from electric guitar to gardening, I knew these periods were coming. I know how I learn, I know how I fail, I know how I cope, I know how I frustrate. I know that I throw myself at a weakpoint after having drawn comfort from competence in another area. But somehow, I'm still surprised.
My takeaways? My core muscles might be decently strong, but I don't have the control I thought I did. I also need to take it slow. I rolled around for five minutes, getting tossed to the floor left and right. After a break, I tried slowing things down, pushing through movements slowly so I could feel the minute changes in my balance. I saw improvement. The length of my legs make for a great base if I can learn how to use them properly.
A couple of months ago, I would walk into the bathroom at the gym, look into the mirror and ask myself "What, Megan, are you doing?". The weirdness of BJJ has worn off though, and I'm starting to ask why I'm doing this and also asking what I want out of my investment. The answer to that has ranged from dreams of becoming a champion in the world of 40+ grappling women to getting in crazy good shape, to training only two or three times a week, to looking at myself, soaked with sweat and wondering if I'm wasting my and others' time. This, I think, is a good thing. Everyone walking into something as intense, demanding and never ending as the pursuit of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, should address what part they want the activity to play in their lives.
I'm no stranger to activities with a tendency to consume their practitioners. I've lived the all consuming life of a part-time graduate student, with professors demanding I drop ties to family, friends and career for the sake of a finance class. I've been a salsa dancer, staying out until 2am for the sake of one mediocre 4 minute experience. I've worked in business, for companies that expect you to give all your time, life and emotions for the sake of praise and acceptance.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where my focus/passion/energies are directed. My pastor has been doing a few messages on evaluating your passions. Also, I started a book on Friday on language acquisition that stresses knowing up front what you want out of a language so you don't focus your efforts on someone else's definition of proficiency. In both cases, my mind immediately went to my time dancing salsa. Anyone who's been a part of any dance world knows that it's something one has to experience from the inside to understand. Anyone that's been a part of the salsa world knows that it's probably the most intense of all the dance worlds.
Time with ze dahns When I'm feeling out of place or nervous before a jiu jitsu class, reading other people's (especially women's, part-time and older grapplers) stories helps calm me some. I ran across an entry last night by a woman that had been practicing for about six years. (I can't find it now, it's lost in the memory of my iPhone forever) She was burned out, decided to quit and was telling the story of selling off her gis. The experience sounded a lot like the moment I started selling off my salsa DVDs.
I started dancing salsa around the same time I started graduate school (I look back now and wonder how I had the energy to dance, work and study). Before I even set foot in a class, I bought a DVD and learned moves, terms and patterns. Once I did start attending, I went to class twice a week, sometimes two hours at a time. I danced for half an hour to an hour every day after work. I developed a plan to learn to spin (more difficult for tall people, so it took me a while) that involved 3 practice spins in either direction every time I used the restroom at work. I posted daily on salsa message boards. I bought belly dancing DVDs to learn isolations and smooth out my movement. I kept a notebook of all I learned in private lessons, with plans on what techniques I wanted to work on for the week. My YouTube favorites overflowed with styling demos, videos of dancers I wanted to emulate, tutorials and clips of live social dancing. I bought a mirror for home practice so I could see what every movement I made looked like. I would spend Friday evenings (when I didn't go out) watching clips over and over, breaking down moves and timing to the smallest detail. I bought DVDs on styling by dancers from all over the world in an effort to find my best individual style. I would sit at work, knees throbbing and hot, ankles sore and feet calloused, searching the Internet for the next salsa festival. After I'd reached a plateau in Cuban style, I began branching into New York and LA style, driving 45 minutes for private and group lessons in another city. I was stocking my wardrobe with tops specifically for dance and suede soled shoes. I knew things were coming to an end when I backed off buying a pair of custom shoes that cost almost $150 because I didn't feel like they were worth the investment. I think my time officially ended with a dance in Beijing with the guy in the video. David Huo...he's an instructor my best friend and I had been dying to dance with since we both started dancing.
Looking back on that paragraph I have to ask myself, "what did I get out of those 3 years?". It was great stress relief while I was in school. I lost weight. I met tons of people. I was introduced to physical expression of music. I can hold my own when someone puts on Marc Anthony or Joe Arroyo. ...But were all the tired mornings at work, dragging myself in on only a few hours of sleep worth it? Was it worth running out to dance and missing time with friends and family I didn't see often? What does it mean that I, a person who keeps good friends for a lifetime, can only think of one dancer that I'm still in contact with? Was it worth the constantly injured toenails, cracked well beyond the quick? Was it worth sitting in clubs and bars (which I loathe...deeply) where I never felt safe, waiting for that one dance that would justify the time and anxiety of getting ready, driving and money spent on cover? Overall, salsa was a great experience. I can dance on vacation (salsa is huge internationally and very popular in most major American cities, and being the new, mystery salsera is a lot of fun) and still style on my own once a week to keep my skills up and add some variation to my workout routine. I'll also admit that without it, I probably wouldn't have been comfortable enough with physical proximity to do BJJ. I do think though, that the experience could have been more pleasant (and longer lived) had I had more insight into some of the social practices, availability of venues and expectations of how long I expected to be an active dancer.
...and jiu jitsu? BJJ is very similar to dance. The class structure is almost identical. Most of the best in both fields started young, but they both attract new practitioners well into their 40s and some beyond. There are countless variations on moves and techniques and one has to be able to read slight changes in your partner's/opponent's posture, balance and weight placement to respond properly. There are rivalries between schools, big egos and nasty attitudes. There are a few key differences though, that I believe make a huge difference for me. BJJ, unlike the flashy salsa, seems to attract a lot of introverts. On the Myers Briggs personality typing system I'm an INTJ, meaning I'm an introvert and I like things to have a purpose. I've found most other jiujitsukas to be open and friendly but not overbearing. People hang out after class, but they have lives off the mats. Even those whose lives are dedicated to the sport, have families and obligations that they seem to take very seriously. BJJ is also very complicated. Salsa can be too, but not necessarily so. People don't show up to muddle through class just so they can have some social time. If someone keeps coming back, banged up and bruised, they're there to learn.
So what am I expecting from the time I put into the sport? I've been taking a look at what it's done for me so far... •It adds an element of play to my life- Not entertainment, play. It can be difficult to find as an adult. Life can be heavy and serious and you need time to do things that you not only enjoy, but are actively involved in. Yes, you have to pay attention, but training with people you trust is really enjoyable. Focused fun if you will. •I now have a clear delineation of care for my physical self-Anything left unchecked can seep its way into all aspects of your life. I believe that certain things in life are more likely to do this than others, but it happens quite easily and frequently.The core of what I do hasn't changed. I still move more and eat less and better. Now though, since there is a goal, I no longer feel like I should have gone an extra 10 minutes or feel guilty for the cookie I sneaked at lunch. I know what I should be eating and my workout is already planned. •I get contact with similarly minded people-Being an introvert in an extroverted culture can be tiring. I've found that I interact relatively easily with most of the people at the gym and I appreciate that they take what they do seriously. •I do get injured...I've been bruised, still have scars from mat burn, an am currently nursing some strained muscles on the top of my left foot, but nothing feels chronically wrong like it did when I was dancing. •I've learned how to push through a different kind of pain-Conquering barriers in an area you're good at is one thing. Doing that in an area you're not? Whole different ball game. My biggest concern right now is getting over the feeling that I may have bought a little too "high end" for my needs. My head instructor has a stellar resume and trains some of the best in the game. Is that something a part-time grappler needs? I used to worry that I was wasting people's time (even though I pay just like everybody else and receive plenty of critique.) I also worry that I may not be taken completely seriously but there's nothing I can see to support that, so I'm counting it as pure insecurity. I think I've passed the stage of potentially running away in shock (I'll never forget how surprised the head instructor was that I came back). I'll just keep showing up and see what happens.
Learning what I have about myself from my time on the dance floor, I know that I will ease my way into BJJ. Everyone's really nice, but if I'm never fully accepted, that's ok. I'm not looking for a new social circle. I own only one book that I review for one or two moves at a time. No cramming or deep analysis. I go to class twice a week and gear my breaks at work to help with my training. That's all. I could be learning much more quickly, but I don't want to. Not only am I a bit short on will from school and language studies, but I also don't want to rush into such uncharted territory. I also may never compete. Also fine. I have enough awards in life and have come to realize they mean much less to me than the bonds I've created with those around me. All of this is subject to change, but I'm open to that also.
Well...I did two sets of 2.5 min in seiza. I can't help but focus on the discomfort in my knee. Surprisingly though, the more I sit , the less it hurts. The key is relaxing. I'm scared to let my weight rest completely on that side, so I tense up that entire leg, causing more pain. If I just relax, it's fine.
I'll definitely be seeing a specialist about it this year...
I finally experienced that horrible, breath-sucking, panic inducing pressure I've read about. It got me thinking that any woman genuinely interested in learning self defense class needs to experience this. Knowing to aim for a groin or gouge and eye means nothing when the reality that someone is trying to hurt you sets in. I've learned to relax a bit more being attacked while out of breath, weak or in pain, but that's knowing that a simple tap or yelp will get a guy to back off.
I rolled with an opponent last night that was stronger (or used more strength) than I'm used to. Right behind that I went one round with a lady that was a foot shorter and 70lbs lighter than I am...I learned I don't know what to do with short limbs. Crazy different experience, but it was good contrast.
One thing that the female brown belt (so glad she's around) pointed out to me is that she was able to slip out of my side control relatively easily. Why? because my hips were way too high. I hated hearing that since I know half of that is because after first trying FlowFit, I messed up my right knee in a squat (I do them wide now and have no problems). It's getting back to its normal range of flexibility, but sitting in seiza isn't half as comfortable as it used to be. The other part is groin flexibility. This has plagued me for...ever honestly. My hips and shoulders are really pretty flexible, even stretching cold. My groin and hamstrings? They're like rubber cement.
I'm kind of glad to learn this though. Since starting BJJ, I don't do my crazy, 5am, hour long workouts anymore and instead, since I don't drink coffee, do 20 light minutes in the morning. I also take 2 ten minute breaks at work to keep myself awake (desk job and the chinese radio doesn't always cut it). Add on 15 after work to transition out of the office mind set and 10 min before bed, and I have quite a few little bits of activity with which I get to play...so...with my newly admitted shortcomings, I have something on which to focus them. Here's my plan (on days I don't train):
Early Morning: 10 min stability ball, 10 min lower body stretches Mid Morning: 10 min lower body stretches, military pushups Mid Afternoon: 10 min lower body stretches, military pushups After Work: 15 min body weight exercises, military pushups, 5 min in seiza Before Bed:10 min lower body stretches, 5 min in seiza
I'm going to toss in some shrimping in there if I get bored and need to mix things up. I'm focusing on doing it on one leg.
I think I've turned a couple corners this week. I didn't realize it until yesteday, but Monday was the first time I was able to recognize an opportunity to pull off the technique we learned in training the same day. I was nervous yet again before class tonight, but it wasn't quite as deep. Getting to know people is making a HUGE difference. I walked in, saw some familiar faces and it made me smile. Master da Matta greeted me with a healthy "Megan!" as I went down the line. As I was walking out, the female brown belt stopped me to talk and asked if I were coming tomorrow since she was going to start helping out in the beginners' class. I'm supposed to be going to a Spanish language meeting and I'm seriously considering skipping it to go train.
The more comfortable I feel, the more I realize what the rest of the gym must be seeing. I already know I'm a serious rarity in the world of BJJ. Height, weight, race, gender. I would say age, but even though I feel old, there are still a decent number of students that started past the age of 30...over all, I'm sure I pique some sort of curiosity in a few people there. I know I've sat and stared at myself in the bathroom mirror on more than one occasion wondering what I'd gotten myself into.
On the skill side, I'm LOVING my stability ball and can already see a difference. I'm doing 15 minutes on it every morning (good substitute for coffee, and not too intense) and my base already feels more stable. It's also given me insight into feeling my opponent's base and weaknesses in it. Good $6 investment (yay Ross). Unfortunately, I've been giving out armbars like candy lately. Off to JiuJitsy University...
So after three weeks, I finally made it back to train.The time off served as a good line of demarcation between my getting a feel for the school and sport and officially training. I was still anxious, but for the first time I didn't feel like an outsider. I'm not one to need to feel accepted, but feeling like a stranger combined with feeling inadequate combined with feeling ignorant combined with feeling like you stick out...it's a bit much to process at one time. The running, pushups, drills were still hard, maybe harder than before, but the difficulty wasn't the mental burden it usually is, it just was. I'm starting to feel like BJJ is a part of my life.
My last class before the holidays was...I have to say...enjoyable. Everyone was preparing for the belt tests and since I'm still a baby-white belt, I partnered up with another student and got my choice of focus with an instructor, so we worked on timed hip escapes and getting from my back to all fours.
Let me back up a few minutes though. I walked into the gym and the advanced sparring was still going on. I heard music...not strange at all...I've walked in to WuTang, 2Pac, Biggie, Mystikal and I believe a little Disturbed. This time, I open the door and...Michael Jackson. Now MJ songs are upbeat, but the mood of "Working Day and Night" is a far cry from "Stupified". I went and changed, came out to the floor and sat in my usual watching spot next to Wuzzup. He's become some what of a security blanket for me. I got to go over technique with him for the first time a few weeks back and it was the most relaxed I've probably ever been there. He threw me off, switching our usual handshake for a fist bump and gave me a knowing look as Phil Collins started playing...and no, it wasn't his duet with Bone Thugs 'n' Harmony (I still think I'm the only person that's aware that exists). Master da Matta, probably seeing the confusion on our faces, explained across the class that this was the mood we should be in...relaxed, playful. Works for me. Relaxed is good. Then Barry White came on.
I don't remember what song it was and it honestly doesn't matter, all you need to know is it was slow, grinding and sultry...a Barry White song. Wuzzup and I looked over at each other and smirked. I was beginning to wonder how the guys would handle being that close to each other with The Sultan of Smooth Soul giving them instructions. All of a sudden, JazzHands' voice bursts jokingly through the air..."I don't know how comfortable I am being this close to another man with this music playing." ...you know everybody was thinking that exact same thing.
Through some forums and blogs, I've connected with a few other female jitsukas. There are some great ones at the school, but I get minimal contact since they're in the advanced class. The online connections have been really helpful in managing my anxiety, getting help on helping male training partners get through embarassing situations (some moves just don't translate well to being used on the female anatomy) and also just having someone outside of class to talk technique with. Again, after last night, I realized how big a deal it is that I'm not small. A blue belt last night commented to JazzHands that I was strong. After drilling with the heaviest student, I heard BeginnersInstructor mention the same thing about me to the head instructor. Another blue belt told me that I was stronger than a some of the guys. Comments like that used to throw me when I was younger...it's a serious blow to your self-perception of feminity, but be it age or environment, this time it was encouraging.
I finally can feel a triangle and its purpose, and while mine isn't even mediocre yet, it's not as mysterious as it used to be. That was my big revelation for the night.
I really thought I'd make it to class tonight. I didn't.
It's amazing how much endurance you can lose over two weeks of vacation. I did some cardio on Saturday and after 15 min, I was shot...muscles burnt, heart beating, sweating like crazy. Gotta love coming back from the holidays! I'm being sarcastic, but it is actually refreshing...like listening to your favorite band for weeks on end, taking 3 months off and coming back. The music is new and fresh and you find things you never knew were there.
Hopefully that's what class will be like Thursday. I didn't just sit at home and watch cartoons tonight though...I picked out seven drills and worked on those. Being alone let me focus on some of the points I didn't understand, and couldn't stop in class to ask about. I finally got my backward ukemi down! (I love this guy's explanations by the way). I've also gotten a bit faster at getting from my back to my knees.
I'm still at a point where I get so tired that the conceptual section of my brain slows way down, and things that I'd normally catch on the first try, take three or four. It was initially frustrating, but I've accepted it. It may turn out to be a good thing. I tend to rely very heavily on thinking my way through processes, and reflexes are key in BJJ.
BJJ has been relaxing for me on multiple levels. Not only have I learned to find more calm while being physically attacked, I also don't worry about my weight anymore. Sure, I'd like to take off a couple of more pounds, but I know how that's going to happen. That's saved me a lot of mental energy. The study itself is also very laid back. Instructors apply minimal pressure and time is almost irrelevant.
I've had two weeks off from training because of the holidays. I haven't done a lot and I think that's a good thing. I've picked out some drills I like (bridging especially), kept my shrimping going and been studying escapes. In the past, I've spent holidays in "hobby overdrive", cramming my head full of Spanish conjugations, Chinese characters and cooking techniques, so normally I would have had my head burried in my techniques book for hours on end. Not this time! Biz school's done, so I don't feel the panic to use my free time to play "catch up". It's probably also because I plan on doing this for ten years plus, so two weeks doesn't worry me.
The temptation to push myself does crop up, since I think I can be very good at this, but I have to ask myself what my reason would be. There's no one to impress, not even myself. I'm proud of me just for learning the drills. Belts are nice measures of skill level, but there's nothing to be earned that will be more valuable if it comes a few months earlier. I'm starting to realize just how deeply my standards of learning, goal setting and improvement have been shaped by my time in academic settings.
I'm learning that pushing my body harder physically amplifies the effects of any...shortcomings I have in nutrition and rest. Oddly enough, training has destroyed the progress I've already made in both areas.
I skipped class today. Last week I decided to proceed to step two of my class attendance plan. I've been working on my own version of what's affectionately called "the old man plan", which is basically stepping up from one class a week, to two, to three or more. I call it the "never played a sport in your life plan." Generally I try to eat something that's heavier in non-white carbs about 2hrs before to class. It's been working quite well for me in combination with the FRS chews. Thursday though, I picked up a sugary treat on the way home from work and ended up not eating before class. Let's just say 5 min into the warmup my legs felt like they were made of lead. Lesson learned. Eat right...especially on days you train.
My biggest lesson though has been the importance of sleep. Like my father, I have issues with sleep. My brother and I have a saying we jokingly toss around at each other: "Sleep is for the weak." This is usually done when one or both of us are exhausted beyond the point of coherent thought. I just don't like it much and I only do it because I know it's necessary. I don't like going to bed before 2am. That might be OK if I also didn't prefer to wake up before 7am. Conflict.
I'd been doing very well since grad school, getting a solid 8hrs every night...and that's 8hrs of actual sleep, not just 8hrs physically lying down. My body and brain were so happy. Then I started BJJ. For the first 8 weeks or so after class, I would lay in bed, unable to sleep because my heart rate wouldn't come down. Once I did fall asleep, I'd be jolted awake by thrashing legs or dream-like replays of my last roll. That's been calming down in the last few weeks...unfortunately, this interruption in a regular sleep pattern has me going to bed crazy late on weekends. I was up until 2am on Saturday watching Chinese movies and awake at 6 for church after going to bed at 1am. Oh, and I don't nap. Needless to say I was a wreck today at work. I kept telling myself that once I got home I'd feel up to going to class, but as it approached, I just felt sick and jittery. On the plus side though, I really wasn't nervous. Woohoo!
Last class was good. I rolled with a guy for the first time and when we finished, he shook my hand and said "excellent". I was also told that I was stronger than some of the guys. That makes me feel a bit better about my lack of upper body strength. Maybe I'll hold off on buying that IronGym.
I've decided that next class I just want to focus on my balance. Small goals. I wasn't very good at this in the first place, but since pulling something in my right knee, getting a solid base while on my knees has gotten even trickier. Outside of class I'm focusing on hip flexibility and sticking with my body weight program (modified to go easier on my knees). Off to go study some escapes...
The super-anti-fainting plan worked! I was tired, but didn't even come close to passing out. Quality. I was going down the line today and as I was shaking his hand, one of the guys cheerfully pointed out "Hey! You got a blood stain!". I haven't found any surprise wounds this time, so I'm assuming it's not mine.
I'm finding that my lower body seems to learn faster than my upper. I find myself trying to execute moves with my legs and completely ignoring my arms and the arms of my opponent. Salsa bias? Maybe. But it's probably because I'm more confident of my strength and control below my waist. I also just discovered a fear that I think is going to give me some trouble. I played piano for about a decade, electric guitar for a bit and I cook a lot (with very sharp knives). I'm also a tad vain about my hands. The fact that I was able to cut my nails off is how I knew I really wanted to do BJJ. Really. I didn't even cut them all the way for guitar, my dream instrument. I've been protective of my fingers for as long as I remember. This and my awareness of a deficit in upper body strength has me favoring my lower half. Surprises around every corner...
Still pretty anxious before going to class. I really thought it would have passed by now. My goal tonight is to not feel faint by the end. Going to work on better hydration, pacing myself and transitioning between sitting and standing more slowly.
So I didn't go deaf tonight. Progress. I got pretty close, but I'm learning how to tell when I need to stop vs. just push through the pain. At a certain point, all the advice the instructor's giving me, everything my partner's helping me with...I'm just too tired to hear...or process...or apply.
This is a new kind of tired for me. Before this, I would have to say the most tired I've ever been is after hiking the Great Wall. My best friend and I, adventurers that we are, visited a section that was basically 2km of stairs. Steep stairs. Steep uneven stairs. We got back to the hotel and passed out...I think. I was too tired to remember. This is different. 10 min after leaving the gym I'm fine. I'd prefer to sit, but I'm generally ok. That's the strange thing about muscle fatigue. I can be in the middle of a roll and bam, no more energy. I rest for one round, get back to rolling, THINK I'm recovered, and 1 min in, bam, I'm weak as a sleepy kitten. This is an important fact for a woman, or anybody really, taking a self defense class. I was once told that part of the reason they put heavy drills and warm ups at the beginning of the class is to simulate the fatigue and exasperation that occurs in a real fight. All I know is that fighting tired is no joke.
I've found though, that my being absorbed in my struggles has left me oblivious to a lot that goes on around me (kinda dangerous while sparring). While my rolling partner was re-tying his belt, I looked up at another white belt that's quite a bit better than me. My "wuzzup" buddy. Don't ask me why, but from day 1, instead of a handshake and bow, we've been giving each other a handshake and a raspy "wuzzup!". Tonight he was rolling a few feet away from me. Now, Wuzzup is in good shape. He breezes through the warm ups and drills at a speed that makes me almost jealous. He can hang through all the sparring without sitting out. I looked over at him, embarrassed at my own state and gave a sheepish smile. He smiled back quickly. It was a smile I recognized. That smile you give when you want to smile, but you're too busy trying to cram oxygen into your lungs to really engage all the muscles in your face. He was sweating, face bright red, brow furrowed, chest heaving ...a pose I thought only I took. I realized then that I'd been so busy worrying about how tired I was, I'd failed to take in what was going on with the guys around me. They looked just as tired as I did, just as frustrated. They had more endurance, but they looked like they were in just as much pain. More lessons that apply to life outside of BJJ.
Well, I skipped class tonight. I've been feeling kind of dizzy and considering how sick I got last class, I figured it would be better to take some time off from getting thrown up and down the mats and rest a bit. I really hate missing class, so I did some shrimping, drills and bodyweight exercises instead. Nothing that involved Megan being upside down.
Surprisingly (at least to me, everyone who does BJJ seems to know it can make some drastic changes in a person) in just one month, my standards for my base level of exercise have changed. The level of fatigue that I used to consider a stopping point I now consider a starting point for my real workout. Working out three times a week used to be fine with me, now six feels normal. A month ago, a straight hour of physical activity was unthinkable, now it's something I want to do more often. Most interestingly though, my mind is more free to think about things other than my physical well being. Yays.
The warmups are finally getting easier, but I'm finding myself even more tired at the end of class. This past class I came the closest I ever have to passing out. We learned defense against an armbar. I drilled that and armbars 20 or so times and we started rolling. My first roll was with the ginastica natural intructor. Very informative roll but I felt a little off. I was too tired to apply anything I'd learned. The defense requires you to roll your opponent up on his shoulders and my hips and shoulders were exhausted.
My second round was with a guy I'd never rolled with before. When you first start, instructors place you with very careful higher level students. As you progress, you end up with more...intense...partners. He was still a blue belt (I was terrified I'd end up with another white belt and we'd injure each other terribly.) but he was less restrained than my previous partners. I took a couple of hard grazes to the face and really felt like I genuinely had to fight to maintain any defense. It wasn't bad though. I'm beginning to wonder if my weight class and gender has me exposed to a wider range of rolling partners than most people. I have a solid 50+lbs and over 6" on the women I'm paired with.
We finished rolling and lined up to close class. I was horribly dizzy. It took everything I had to stand up straight and bow properly. I made my way down the line shaking hands and was thankful there wasn't much food on my stomach since it would have been all over the mat at that point. Somehow I made it to the end but about half way off the mat, I realized I wasn't going to make it back to my water, so I sat down next to the heavy bags to rest. Then everyone started whispering. Then an alarm started sounding. Oddly no one was reacting. Turns out I just thought they were whispering. I only thought an alarm was going off. My hearing was almost gone. I sat for a bit longer but still saw nothing but mouths moving behind a loud buzzing. I crossed my legs in front of me and lowered my head to the mat. My hearing gradually returned. I made it to the sidelines and ended up driving home in my gi since I didn't have it in me to change.
In my exploration of the world of bodyweight exercises, I ran across an interesting theory. The idea is that different things slow men and women down in their training progress. Women feel discomfort and back off before real gain is realized. Men think pain is progress and are slowed down by injury. This explains the differences in my friends' reactions when I told them about my hearing issue. The men: "Great! You made it through!". The women: "That's terrible!" As usual, I'm guessing the best route is somewhere in between going deaf and turning around at the door. ...I still don't recognize a triangle when I get one started.
I walked into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu scared and slightly intimidated, but confident that I could handle the embarassment, awkwardness and ego-crushing nature of the art. I've been using the fact that I survived the first two years of Mandarin as motivation, but that's seeming less and less relative as time goes by.
Well, the smoke of confusion over purpose and goals is starting to clear and I'm left staring squarely at changes that must me made within myself. Our last warmup left me "sucking air" as it were. That was the first time in 3 weeks of classes that I was so winded...I don't know if the warmup was more difficult than usual, if I were pushing myself harder regarding form, if I were coming down with something or what...all I know is that I now must change who I am physically. Little weaknesses that mean nothing in the rest of my existance are huge disadvantages on the mat. The scariest part, is that I don't think this will change. I think there will always be something that causes me discomfort that I have to work through.
I in no way anticipated the physical conditioning demands and ironically, that's what's causing the biggest mental barrier for me. I can almost guarantee that no one at the gym thinks me being crouched over on my hands and knees, gasping for air is a big deal, but I'm not used to having an audience when I'm working through a difficulty and the fact that they're understanding offers little consolation.
The strangest part of all this is that I still feel comfortable over all. I'd just probably be skipping to class if there weren't a conditioning segment.
I've spent the past half hour or so on my mat (aka "pillows") working on a drill that's been giving me particular grief. Again, I don't know the name and haven't been able to find an image/video, but it involves planting your head on the mat next to your opponent's hips and "jumping" your lower body over his knees and onto the opposite side of his body. (If anybody knows the name, feel free to let me know.) It's quickly beating out forward rolls as my least favorite drill. My problem is that in planting your head, your neck and shoulders end up bearing a decent amoutn of weight.
The extra weight would probably be no big deal to most people, but my neck's a bit delicate. About a year ago, just 24hrs after a 15 hr flight (plays havoc on your neck and back), I went out dancing. A friend put me into multiple spins during a dance and everything was fine. I danced with him again. More spins. Everything still fine. I sat down after the last dance though and felt a pain shoot down the right side of my neck. I decided to call it a night. I woke up the next morning and my neck was incredibly stiff. I did a few sessions of accupuncture and tui na everything was magically better...or so I thought.
Last class someone elbowed me in the exact spot that I'd strained dancing. It didn't hurt and wasn't swelling, but I iced it and gave up that drill for a couple of days just to be safe. Well, after trying it again and making quite a bit of progress, I'm back to icing it. That's enough practice for today. I might be making a trip back to Dr. Lin soon.
Last night in class, I was in the middle of muddling my way through an omoplata when I noticed that something in the room was different. As I was positioning myself back on the mat to get into side control, I heard laughter. Don’t misunderstand, there’s laughter in the club…but seldom during rolling or drills. Usually all you hear is the sound of men breathing deeply and heavily, explaining the finer points of moves to each other in subdued voices. From a distance you can barely hear anything at all. But tonight there was a new student. Another female (…or maybe I was the new student and just hadn’t seen her until now). I was honestly glad to see her walk in. In three short weeks I’ve become accustomed to being the only woman in class, but at some level, it was still a relief.
Mind you it wasn’t just her laughing. Two of the men were chuckling along with her. I immediately thought back to the last class where the beginners instructor (he always has a none-too-thinly-veiled look of concern on his face when he’s working with me..more on that later) had me move deeper onto the mat so I wouldn’t hit my head on the wooden border. With a chuckle, he explained that if it were one of the two guys that were showing me moves, he wouldn’t have said anything. Funny thing is, I bet that hunk of wood is a heck lot softer than the elbow I took to the back of my head during sparring…I’m just sayin’.
But the guys…these men thoroughly enjoy themselves and the presence of women doesn’t seem to threaten them at all. In fact, most seem to welcome it. My first time shaking hands down the line, I was greeted with glowing smiles all the way from the head instructor down to the newest white belt. And that hasn’t changed at all.
The environment that BJJ creates is something that I think is rare for men in a gender integrated modern society. …A little background on the environments I’m used to interacting with men in: I work in business and just finished an MBA…male dominated environments, but ones in which women go toe to toe with them all day, every day. That’s actually one of the things that attract many women to BJJ…the fact that its principles are designed to allow a smaller, weaker person to dominate a larger, stronger opponent. (Even so, the level of female participation in the sport is low.)
I wonder though, what allows men to welcome and encourage women in an environment that is so thoroughly drenched in testosterone. There are four women in the advanced class, one of whom is a professional fighter, so I doubt the comfort comes from a confidence based on superior skill. I have a few theories:
□ At the end of the day, without the no-striking rules, all of them know they could probably take most of the women there. That doesn’t happen when you’re going head to head on a business simulation.
□ Maybe it’s numbers. Few women=little threat.
□ It’s possible that it’s the nature of jiu jitsu. It’s called “the gentle art” for a reason. There are no strikes (the elbow I took was an accident, and yes I’m still bitter) and technique is king. Beating someone using your weight or strength is generally frowned upon. All that is bound to drive away the more Hulk-Smash oriented crowd.
□ There’s also the possibility that women at the beginners level just haven’t been toughened up yet. .
New Girl has a very innocent and perky sweetness about her. There’s very little about me that says “sweet” or “nice”, but I’m guessing my awkwardness is apparent in my fear to fall and looks of frustration. I wouldn’t be surprised if more of my brioche-scarfing, anime-watching, encyclopedia-reading, mandarin-speaking, stiletto-wearing interior is leaking forth than I realize. (Many women in the sport resent having men taking it easy on them. Being a person who hates it when people let her win, I understand that from the perspective of pride and of quality in education. A guy attacking you on the street isn't going to hold back.)
□ When I first started checking out this school, I sat in on part of a kids’ class. The first thing I noticed is how happy the men were training little boys. I doubt you’d see that level of satisfaction even in an academic environment. I genuinely believe they find pleasure and fulfillment in turning boys into men. This is what I think is really going on. I think they’re happy. I’ve worked with men whose lives have gotten them things they want, but few whose lives themselves fulfill those wants.
I’m still left wondering though, whether men can fully explore the full spectrum of their…manliness with women present. I watch the guys go back and forth between rolling with men and women and you can see the constant ebb and flow of soft and hard, teacher and student, protector and opponent. It’s completely involuntary. It all seems very ironic, but I’ve gone through the same thing. Even with all the sweating and joint popping, I don’t think I’ve ever felt this feminine in my life. I’m guessing that’s what comes from being exposed to men in less tamed environments--the things that make females women become much more obvious.
I remember when I first started researching this sport, reading posts about people replaying rolls in their head. I found myself doing that all day, trying to figure out what I should have done when in spider guard, wondering if I reacted the right way in side control. Definitely ready to go again. I was talking with a friend that boxes and when I told him I'd rolled for the first time, his response was to ask "It's a total rush isn't it??" And it is. Even though I was stuck flailing like a fish and getting dragged around by my ankle, it really was a rush. I'm starting to feel like the classes are too short...well...except the warmup of course. Still hate that with a passion.
My FlowFit DVD came yesterday! I really wanted to start with the Ground Engagement series since it seems more applicable to BJJ, but I didn't want to get stuck in plow position just from being too eager. It's pretty straight forward and the first thing I've done that's gotten me sweating the same way doing drills does. 14-18 min is definitely doable for me in the mornings and my goal is 3x a week. I'm a little concerned about the squats since my right knee tends to give me problems, but we'll see. For some odd reason, my right quad and left tricep have been burning like crazy for two days. I'll probably skip cardio tomorrow morning just to give that and my knee a rest. This is my first venture into the world of athletics and at 30, I don't want to rush things.
Still waiting on my Jiu Jitsu University book (yes, I'm going to nerd my way through jiu jitsu). I'm hoping it'll give me some insight into some of the finer points of the moves I get lost in. I like a lot of detail when I'm learning and not being a naturally physical person, I need to hear/read just as much, if not more than I see and experience.
I was fully prepared to come home tonight and write about how small and weak I felt. About how that's rare for me since I'm 6' tall and 180lbs and have been that size since I was a teenager. Well that was after drilling with one of the MMA guys. The man has ligaments like rebar and it felt like it took my whole body just to get him to tap in an armbar.
Different experience tonight. The instructor called me off the wall to spar for the first time and I was honestly excited. I was paired with one of the ladies who's a pro MMA fighter and then with an instructor. What did I learn tonight?
I'm better than I thought at seeing opportunities. I didn't know what to do all the time, but I could see possibilities, shapes and plans. I have very little upper body strength- I'm going to continue with the pushup plan (I'm up to 30 full out, non-girly pushups) My muscles fatigue quickly, but hopefully FlowFit will help with that. I think my legs are going to be my strong point, so I need to get some control and strength built up. The instinct to stay balanced I learned from dance comes in handy. Triangle is still a bit of a mystery for me and I keep it too loose, but I'm assuming I'll get the feel of it with time. Still lost when it comes to tying my belt (nothing like having somebody else help get you dressed to remind you of being in kindergarten) It actually fits!
So I get my gi tomorrow...I'm thoroughly expecting it not to fit. I have supremely bad luck with clothes and can't imagine that this could work out the first time around. On top of being female, I'm 6' tall and all my height's in my legs. It's going to be interesting.
I'm planning on going to train tomorrow. I'm still a little antsy before going to class. The first week I was a complete nervous wreck every time. I was driving my coworkers crazy. I've worked through quite a few different fears and a lot discomfort in just 2 weeks of classes...fear over what the art itself is. Slight discomfort with the complete lack of personal space. Worry over not being able to get through the conditioning (no problems yet, but I still worry.) Feelings of "what are you thinking" when I suddenly found myself being smothered by a 200lb man in a room of 20 more guys.
I'm still having a blast though. The drills give me a bit of grief. There's one I still can't do (I really have to pay more attention to the names) and I first thought it was because I didn't have enough upper body strength. But after trying it a few times at home, I've realized that I've been scared to let my weight fall into someone else's stomach. I need to get over the fear of hurting someone and get myself to a place where I can simply control myself.
I love Posterous, but there seems to be a much stronger BJJ community here, and since I don't have the patience right now to learn how to use their API, I'm going to be posting all my old blogs (less than 20) in sequence...I have a chance to do this since I missed class because of a late meeting...it wasn't worth the free dessert.
A couple of months ago, I would walk into the bathroom at the gym, look into the mirror and ask myself "What, Megan, are you doing?". The weirdness of BJJ has worn off though, and I'm starting to ask why I'm doing this and also asking what I want out of my investment. The answer to that has ranged from dreams of becoming a champion in the world of 40+ grappling women to getting in crazy good shape, to training only two or three times a week, to looking at myself, soaked with sweat and wondering if I'm wasting my and others' time. This, I think, is a good thing. Everyone walking into something as intense, demanding and never ending as the pursuit of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, should address what part they want the activity to play in their lives.
I'm no stranger to activities with a tendency to consume their practitioners. I've lived the all consuming life of a part-time graduate student, with professors demanding I drop ties to family, friends and career for the sake of a finance class. I've been a salsa dancer, staying out until 2am for the sake of one mediocre 4 minute experience. I've worked in business, for companies that expect you to give all your time, life and emotions for the sake of praise and acceptance.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where my focus/passion/energies are directed. My pastor has been doing a few messages on evaluating your passions. Also, I started a book on Friday on language acquisition that stresses knowing up front what you want out of a language so you don't focus your efforts on someone else's definition of proficiency. In both cases, my mind immediately went to my time dancing salsa. Anyone who's been a part of any dance world knows that it's something one has to experience from the inside to understand. Anyone that's been a part of the salsa world knows that it's probably the most intense of all the dance worlds.
Time with ze dahns
When I'm feeling out of place or nervous before a jiu jitsu class, reading other people's (especially women's, part-time and older grapplers) stories helps calm me some. I ran across an entry last night by a woman that had been practicing for about six years. (I can't find it now, it's lost in the memory of my iPhone forever) She was burned out, decided to quit and was telling the story of selling off her gis. The experience sounded a lot like the moment I started selling off my salsa DVDs.
I started dancing salsa around the same time I started graduate school (I look back now and wonder how I had the energy to dance, work and study). Before I even set foot in a class, I bought a DVD and learned moves, terms and patterns. Once I did start attending, I went to class twice a week, sometimes two hours at a time. I danced for half an hour to an hour every day after work. I developed a plan to learn to spin (more difficult for tall people, so it took me a while) that involved 3 practice spins in either direction every time I used the restroom at work. I posted daily on salsa message boards. I bought belly dancing DVDs to learn isolations and smooth out my movement. I kept a notebook of all I learned in private lessons, with plans on what techniques I wanted to work on for the week. My YouTube favorites overflowed with styling demos, videos of dancers I wanted to emulate, tutorials and clips of live social dancing. I bought a mirror for home practice so I could see what every movement I made looked like. I would spend Friday evenings (when I didn't go out) watching clips over and over, breaking down moves and timing to the smallest detail. I bought DVDs on styling by dancers from all over the world in an effort to find my best individual style. I would sit at work, knees throbbing and hot, ankles sore and feet calloused, searching the Internet for the next salsa festival. After I'd reached a plateau in Cuban style, I began branching into New York and LA style, driving 45 minutes for private and group lessons in another city. I was stocking my wardrobe with tops specifically for dance and suede soled shoes. I knew things were coming to an end when I backed off buying a pair of custom shoes that cost almost $150 because I didn't feel like they were worth the investment. I think my time officially ended with a dance in Beijing with the guy in the video. David Huo...he's an instructor my best friend and I had been dying to dance with since we both started dancing.
Looking back on that paragraph I have to ask myself, "what did I get out of those 3 years?". It was great stress relief while I was in school. I lost weight. I met tons of people. I was introduced to physical expression of music. I can hold my own when someone puts on Marc Anthony or Joe Arroyo. ...But were all the tired mornings at work, dragging myself in on only a few hours of sleep worth it? What does it mean that I, a person who keeps good friends for a lifetime, can only think of one dancer that I'm still in contact with? Was it worth the constantly injured toenails, cracked well beyond the quick? Was it worth sitting in clubs and bars (which I loathe...deeply) where I never felt safe, waiting for that one dance that would justify the time and anxiety of getting ready, driving and money spent on cover? Overall, salsa was a great experience. I can dance on vacation (salsa is huge internationally and very popular in most major American cities, and being the new, mystery salsera is a lot of fun) and still style on my own once a week to keep my skills up and add some variation to my workout routine. I'll also admit that without it, I probably wouldn't have been comfortable enough with physical proximity to do BJJ. I do think though, that the experience could have been more pleasant (and longer lived) had I had more insight into some of the social practices, availability of venues and expectations of how long I expected to be an active dancer.
...and jiu jitsu?
BJJ is very similar to dance. The class structure is almost identical. Most of the best in both fields started young, but they both attract new practitioners well into their 40s and some beyond. There are countless variations on moves and techniques and one has to be able to read slight changes in your partner's/opponent's posture, balance and weight placement to respond properly. There are rivalries between schools, big egos and nasty attitudes. There are a few key differences though, that I believe make a huge difference for me. BJJ, unlike the flashy salsa, seems to attract a lot of introverts. On the Myers Briggs personality typing system I'm an INTJ, meaning I'm an introvert and I like things to have a purpose. I've found most other jiujitsukas to be open and friendly but not overbearing. People hang out after class, but they have lives off the mats. Even those whose lives are dedicated to the sport, have families and obligations that they seem to take very seriously. BJJ is also very complicated. Salsa can be too, but not necessarily so. People don't show up to muddle through class just so they can have some social time. If someone keeps coming back, banged up and bruised, they're there to learn.
So what am I expecting from the time I put into the sport? I've been taking a look at what it's done for me so far...
•It adds an element of play to my life- Not entertainment, play. It can be difficult to find as an adult. Life can be heavy and serious and you need time to do things that you not only enjoy, but are actively involved in. Yes, you have to pay attention, but training with people you trust is really enjoyable. Focused fun if you will.
•I now have a clear delineation of care for my physical self-Anything left unchecked can seep its way into all aspects of your life. I believe that certain things in life are more likely to do this than others, but it happens quite easily and frequently.The core of what I do hasn't changed. I still move more and eat less and better. Now though, since there is a goal, I no longer feel like I should have gone an extra 10 minutes or feel guilty for the cookie I sneaked at lunch. I know what I should be eating and my workout is already planned.
•I get contact with similarly minded people-Being an introvert in an extroverted culture can be tiring. I've found that I interact relatively easily with most of the people at the gym and I appreciate that they take what they do seriously.
•I do get injured...I've been bruised, still have scars from mat burn, an am currently nursing some strained muscles on the top of my left foot, but nothing feels chronically wrong like it did when I was dancing.
•I've learned how to push through a different kind of pain-Conquering barriers in an area you're good at is one thing. Doing that in an area you're not? Whole different ball game.
My biggest concern right now is getting over the feeling that I may have bought a little too "high end" for my needs. My head instructor has a stellar resume and trains some of the best in the game. Is that something a part-time grappler needs? I used to worry that I was wasting people's time (even though I pay just like everybody else and receive plenty of critique.) I also worry that I may not be taken completely seriously but there's nothing I can see to support that, so I'm counting it as pure insecurity. I think I've passed the stage of potentially running away in shock (I'll never forget how surprised the head instructor was that I came back). I'll just keep showing up and see what happens.
Learning what I have about myself from my time on the dance floor, I know that I will ease my way into BJJ. Everyone's really nice, but if I'm never fully accepted, that's ok. I'm not looking for a new social circle. I own only one book that I review for one or two moves at a time. No cramming or deep analysis. I go to class twice a week and gear my breaks at work to help with my training. That's all. I could be learning much more quickly, but I don't want to. Not only am I a bit short on will from school and language studies, but I also don't want to rush into such uncharted territory. I also may never compete. Also fine. I have enough awards in life and have come to realize they mean much less to me than the bonds I've created with those around me. All of this is subject to change, but I'm open to that also.
