Almost five years in and I’m still uncomfortable with men who are
significantly smaller than me…and that’s on multiple levels. There is a difference between training with a man who's slightly smaller, but still stronger than I am, and training with a man who I know, without a marked difference in skill, I could likely cause some physical damage.
I showed up to drilling class last week, and most people
were working on their tests. I ended up partnering up with one of our new blue
belts…he’s probably about 5’3”, 140lbs, fast and technical—a stark contrast to
my slower and definitely less detailed 6’, 210lbs. I’ve rolled with him before
and he dismantles me easily—partially because I’m still quite clumsy with
people when I know any drop of my weight could easily result in the crack of
their rib. To be clear, he’s quite a bit
better than me, but with him, I’m quite a bit worse than myself.
He needed a partner and since I’m not testing, I was the
best choice—thankfully he asked me to train. I’m always slow to initiate with a
smaller man unless I know him well. That’s not out of protection of my own ego—years
of salsa and learning to risk the rejection in asking a shorter man to dance
has left me generally insulated against the slight indignity of being shot down
as a partner because you are, in fact, a large woman. Unfortunately, it has
also left me with a heightened awareness of the split second of confused panic
that frequently runs across a man’s face when he’s put in the difficult
position of training with a woman that might be able to dominate him in some
way—even if that way is only getting stuck under a crushing mount for a few
seconds more than he might be comfortable with. I also fear that little extra oomph of machismo that's prone to pop up every now and again...whether in dance or on the mats, I've never felt compensatory danger from a similar sized or larger man.
This newer blue though, I believe understands the complex dynamics of
gender and strength and seems to be ok with it. I’ve heard him remark very
matter-of-factly that some of the women in the gym are stronger than he is, and I take his ability to even form those words as an indication thereof.
So we adjusted as we went—comments of using someone lighter
than me were initially delivered with a hint of reluctance, and I apologized a
bit too much for my weight when applying armbars from mount. As to be expected
though, as we worked, the genderedness of the exchange melted away and we made
it to a point where we were simply two bodies, training jiu jitsu.
I was delighted to find Gabi Garcia when I first started training. The large woman is an oddity in life, perhaps even more so in BJJ. There's the perpetually strange dance of size advantage and strength disadvantage that, pushing four years in, I'm still a novice at navigating.
When I read this on Bloody Elbow about her reasons for considering leaving BJJ for MMA, my heart sank a bit.
I want to figh MMA now. I don't know when I will fight on a GI again. I'm unmotivated, not because I think I'm invincible, but we need to find another challenge. Many people is not fighting the absolute class, focusing on the weight classes, and I need another goal in life. If I am able to get down my weight, and if UFC or other events begin to have bigger weight classes, I will get down my weight as much as possible. Now I am going to train to defend my title in the ADCC.
While I'm quite practically aware that existing on the tail of a bell curve changes the options life has for you, I still had a big-girls-can't-catch-a-break moment of self pity when I read it. She seems to enjoy training in the gi, and while other competitors are finding deepening fields of competition, she's looking for new horizons...and in the back of my mind, I know that in reality, MMA won't likely offer any greater size equality than BJJ does...it's not like women grow bigger in the octagon. A part of me wishes she'd stay with BJJ and maybe do something off the wall like pioneer cross-gender competition (whatever that would look like), but it's definitely not something I'd expect her to do alone, or even want to do. If she does fight though, it may end up being the first PPV bout I spring for.
Whoever did this was a genius. The match itself is awesome, but the music makes it absolutely charming. Seeing Gabi Garcia and Marcelo Garcia? So happy.
In my supreme excitement over Metamoris this weekend, I've been listening to mounds of podcasts. I'm going to officially claim Ryron as my favorite Gracie, since his "keep it playful" philosophy of training really resonates with me. Well, on an episode out of the UK I heard today, he made mention that your time at White and Blue belt should be spent learning to defend. My heart sank. My defense offends me.
Friday I was partnered with Wuzzup for my first roll, and I asked him a favor.
"I need a favor. If I have to tap 16 times, I have to tap 16 times."
"So go HAM?"
"...maybe HAM-light"
That last bit of reservation on my part...I think threw a wrench into my plans. He went harder than normal, and commented that I'd gotten stronger, but honestly, I wouldn't guess he was going at more than 50% intensity. ...not that I wanted 100%, but this is a man who rolls regularly with Jeff Monson, so I know he's got HAM to spare.
I feel even more lost in how to guide a few of the guys to go harder. Some (especially the new blues) go for broke. The guys I came up with seem to have a harder problem...which does make sense, but is still something I'd like to get past.
Not gonna lie...been wondering about this one again lately. I kinda always thought that, but until the second time a big blue teased me about the guys being scared to roll with me because I'm "so big and strong", it was something I pushed to the back of my mind. Unfortunately, anytime that got pushed back, what came to the front was that I sometimes get picked last because, well, I suck. Ladybug, my trusty partner in jiu jitsu crime and fellow "big girl", is shipping out soon, so I'm going to have to face this head on in the very near future.
I was beyond surprised to hear this very topic addressed in an interview with black belt Emily Wetzel over at Mat Time Radio. Surely, someone as accomplished as her has guys chasing her down--she's 6'5", definitely large enough for them not to fall victim to "porcelain princess" syndrome...and she's a black belt! Technique flows from her very eyeballs!
Well, thanks to Can over at Slideyfoot for sharing that interview, because Emily admits that she still feels ignored. The most interesting thing about her coming out with that bit of information was the reaction of the guys hosting the interivew. They suggested quite directly that it was because guys just don't want to lose to a woman. More woman equals more potential for loss. When Emily responded that she didn't think that was the case, I heard myself. I'm REALLY big on taking men at what they say...they tend to be more direct creatures than women. This subject though? It's a tough pill to swallow...why, I'm not 100% sure.
That's Emily on the right...but you probably guessed that.
This interview though, is probably going to go down as one of my all time favorites. So much of her story and the way she spoke struck a personal chord with me.
It starts heavy, with her recounting the assault of her, and rape of another woman and her being left with feelings of guilt that she didn't do anything about it, and surprise that anyone would attack someone as large as her. I chuckled a bit when she said that, because one of the guys just this week mentioned that "no man would ever mess with Megan." I laughed at the time, but I know it's not true. When it IS true, it's not just because of my size. I've seen large women in abusive relationships with short, nonathletic, puddles of men. Men they could easily run away from and possibly even handle physically. It's not about your size, or even their size. It just isn't.
She continued the interview talking about her upbringing in a very academic household, being raised by two professors. I'm no artist, but I do know that in the world of the artistic and the learned, it is easy to forget not only your physical self, but the physical selves of others, especially the others with malintent. I understood what she said when shared that she didn't come up in a violent household. She comes from Olympic stock and played basketball professionally, but still, even with her familiarity with competitive physicality...she wasn't familiar with violence, so when it came calling, she froze.
Me...I come from a family of athletes and raised by a father who insisted I be prepared for a fight. Just this previous weekend, I went to my grandmother's house wanting to find some mementos of her. She'd already given me a lot while she was alive...after you crack 85 or so, unless you're in some MAJOR denial, I think people naturally start parsing out their stuff to loved ones. Well, I had all the bakeware I wanted, so I went for something else.
I took the machete by her bed.
I find it comforting, funny and sweet. Knowing that even in her sleepy little town, my elderly, Christ-loving, cake-baking grandmother was actively aware of the threat of violence AND made preparations for it, made me sharply aware of its presence. Still. Because I have never been the victim of violence, I am not 100% sure I would have responded any differently than Emily. As she said "Men can be predators" and as she also plainly put, sometimes, jiu jitsu really does feel like you're being assaulted. I didn't, really admit how much until returning after my last break. When I first started, and now, after breaks, I tend to have nightmares of being attacked. Maybe it's the MSM (it's great for joints, but that stuff can do trippy things if you take it too close to bed time), but I think it's just the nature of the beast. I do not believe that anyone should live in fear, but we prepare for bad weather, financial problems and health issues and I firmly believe all women should know that violence happens, and be able to, at the very least, not freeze.
She went on to tell of her reluctance to compete...again, that hit home. Competition is important at my school, but I'm genuinely uninterested. She talked of competitions saying "They're pretty horrible. I don't really enjoy them yet" and again I was surprised. I have it in my head that most people enjoy competing, even if they dislike the nerves that come with it. She said she started because her instructor required them for promotion, which is common in California's competition-heavy BJJ culture.
She then brought up something that hit me as timely...I've been pretty disappointed by the responses of some of the people around me to the Treyvon Martin case...I'm a bit annoyed by the hoodies, but mostly because people have carelessly passed around outright falsified material just to assure themselves and their friends that the good guy/bad guy roles in the situation were filled in ways that made them feel all is right with the world (check your memes people). Emily told a story of her walking home one day and running into a lady being held to the ground by a Black man, screaming for him to let her go. She ran up, put the man in an RNC and the lady got up and ran, dropping her bags. She wondered why the lady didn't stay to thank her or collect her belongings, but it turns out she was a shop lifter and the guy was a security guard. My immediate reaction to her telling the story was annoyance at her needing to explain that the "attacker" was Black (this was before hearing the full story), but I give her credit for outright admitting that her actions were a result of her own racial profiling (she used those exact words).
Her best advice though, came in discussing choosing partners. She cautioned against white belts (I don't mess with them anymore unless they're female, or males that I know) and stressed the importance of choosing the brotherly guys even at higher levels. I give mad props to JazzHands, RebarForLigaments and some of the other guys for masterful combination of challenge and safety even at the blue belt level.
The interview reminded me of one of the things I love most about jiu jitsu. The sheer diversity of participants in the sport is absolutely beautiful. Emily is an amazing painter and is currently finishing up her MFA (she's actually missing the ADCC to defend her thesis). Her work can be seen at www.sheseemedlikesuchanicegirl.com
Jiu jitsu can do amazing things for the body image of a woman who hasn't dealt much with the physicality of her body during her life. I've fully accepted being heavier than all but one or two of the guys at the gym. I've come to take pride in the usefulness of my long legs when it comes to spider guard and triangles. I don't shy away from applying my full weight in knee on belly anymore...but there's still something there and I thought those cobwebs would have been swept clean by now by an arsenal of amazing sweeps. (my sweeps suck btw)
That photo? That's from my last trip to Japan. Upon meeting me (having already known my even larger brother), the lady in the picture remarked "We...we are Hobbits!" apparently now being left with the impression that American women normally come in Amazonian proportions. Just last weekend, at the seminar with Sofia Amarante, she remarked at how small I made her feel, which didn't surprise me and I honestly found it funny. Afterward though, it made me think...this is a woman who trains with the massive Roberto Abreu...he's not that much larger than me, so I would have assumed she'd be used to feeling tiny. But that made me realize that there is a genuine difference between being a large woman and being a large man that extends beyond the hard facts of height and weight. Basically, I present as bigger than a man of my same height and weight just because I'm female.
As an aside, I find the need to differentiate "Big girl syndrome" from "Fat girl syndrome"...the terms seem to be used interchangeably, but I've gone through periods in my life where, yes, I've felt and been technically overweight, but there are also periods where I've been asked to and if I modeled, so I can't rightly or fully claim that. Perhaps a better title is "Amazon Syndrome", because regardless of weight, I am large, and every now and then, I'm reminded of my little abnormality.
This past Friday, locked in the guard of a new green belt, holding off his muscling, the feelings inched their way in...always being taller than all the boys in class, being referred to as "big man" by a guy in gym class. I sat in his full guard, watching him struggle and muscle and fatigue himself until I freed a leg and passed to half. I bore my weight down with no shame, no sensitivity and watched him push with very little success. There lies one of the struggles of the blue belt...as a white and green, I would always wonder if the guys were being nice and simply letting me settle my weight and hold them down. This time though, I could see clearly in his face that he was trying his hardest and my weight was simply too much to move. I went back and forth in my head, wondering if I should play "little man" as to not further my reliance on my size when it comes to passing...what would Gabi Garcia do?...after all, I'm still pretty helpless against the bigger purples...but then my ego kicked in, I decided I wasn't going to let a lower belt dominate me, and dropped a little more shoulder pressure and tried a new half guard pass Parrumpa had taught us just before the belt exam.
I have found little peace on the mats in my odd mix of size, strength and gender...feeling like a behemoth one roll and a rag-doll the next. I am still that un-girl that the boys feel less shame in being partnered with but am relatively easily muscled into an Americana (the pushups have helped a bit). I genuinely thought that, by blue, I would have mounds of clarity. While I am much better at understanding and using pressure instead of weight and controlling the momentum of my own mass, I still feel quite confused in the sea of my own size.
So that basic butterfly sweep I was having issues with. I was just cleaning out my email and found a GrappleArts Newsletter devoted to that very topic. Yays:) Turns out I was getting stalled (and frustrated) during the hip switch because it just felt insanely difficult. I drilled it a few times in class and decided I wasn't strong enough and needed to go home and work on some shoulder bridging to get stronger.
It just hit me though, that considering how long I've been doing this, my build and the principles behind the art, "not strong enough" is seldom going to be the issue. (The actual issue was, as it turns out, that I was trying to brace all my weight on my head/shoulder and not putting any on my inside leg).
There are still all these weird little bits of insecurities I have left over from when I first started. These are the big ones I've noticed (and why I logically know they're not true).
I'm not strong enough-I've always been strong enough for pretty much anything. I used to have big issues handling my bodyweight, but FlowFit has helped with that a lot.
I'm not coordinated enough-straight up not true. I've always had above-average coordination. If I'm doign something wrong, it's because I don't understand the theory behind the move.
I'm not smart enough-again...just not true. I used to theorize that the kind of "smart" I am wasn't the kind of "smart" I needed to be for BJJ and that I was just doomed to suffer or quit. I'm not exactly a kinetic genius, but I've got enough body awareness to learn and execute what I need to.
I'm not flexible enough-Even with my tight groin and hamstrings, I'm still more flexible than most guys that train.
What I've noticed is usually going on is that...
I don't understand the theory-big deal for me. Huge deal for me.
I'm not being aggressive enough-I underestimate how much momentum plays a part is certain technical elements.
I'm trying not to hurt a smaller partner. I'm much less concerned and more open to learning with a larger partner.
I can't really hold them against myself. I'm working against a couple of decades of ignorance of physical activity. What I can do though, is be aware of them when they crop up and learn how to work past them.
Gabrielle Garcia...started watching her stuff when I first started because I wanted to see how "big girls" do BJJ. None in the video, but watching her is crazy. Makes me wanna start CrossFit or something.
So yeah, I'm back in the home shopping process. It's been a LONG road with all the craziness going on in real estate in my state (Florida), but prices have dropped to reasonable levels and I've come to terms with the fact that my first house can't reasonably be my dream home, even if it does mean I'm in it for a long time.
I'm gonna be perfectly honest...every house I look at I ask the question "can I install mats here?" It might be a bit presumptuous, but 18 months in and I feel like I NEED to be able to train at home. Need.
A requirement has been a 2 car garage or an extra bedroom or den on the first floor. Ideally I want something permanent, but push come to shove, those little puzzle things could work.
My first trial week I tried out both the gi and no-gi classes. Of course, no-gi attracts more of a crowd with MMA aspirations and I'm guessing that's why the guys were bigger. I still remember doing laps and feeling small. That's something that almost always catches me by surprise. I come from a tall family, my father is 6'5" and his brothers are all 6'3"+. My younger brother is 6'7". Still, me being 6' tall, and 190lbs, the bulk of my life is spent around people that are shorter than I am. There was something slightly unsettling running laps with so many men that were larger than me...I felt like I was in bootcamp or prison or the French foreign legion. After a female blue belt explained to me how easily she's thrown in some moves, it sunk in how the more petite ladies that walk onto the mats must feel. Much respect to them.
Still though, being a larger woman doesn't mean that you're impervious to the concerns of being dominated by a male. I told a cousin that I had started bjj, and his response was "Why? Nobody's gonna mess with you." True...people don't normally mess with me. I remember my first day of high school...it was my first time in a public school and my head was full of stereotypes of what it would be like (nevermind the fact that it was a magnet school). I was in a particularly crowded part of the hallway and I noticed one of the upperclassmen look at me and yell out "I bet none of ya'll b**ches'll mess with her." I was terrified, but no one ever did mess with me. That said, your average 5'8" guy isn't the one that approaches me (not that he couldn't pose a threat). I get the 6'11", 325lb guys and bouncers, and that's who's shaped my perception of what I see as the standard potential male threat.
I've started one-legged shrimping and it's starting to feel more natural. I just started really making a connection between the drill and when it should be used while rolling. I never knew when it was appropriate, but now I can somewhat feel when it will put me in a better position.
I remember when I first started researching this sport, reading posts about people replaying rolls in their head. I found myself doing that all day, trying to figure out what I should have done when in spider guard, wondering if I reacted the right way in side control. Definitely ready to go again. I was talking with a friend that boxes and when I told him I'd rolled for the first time, his response was to ask "It's a total rush isn't it??" And it is. Even though I was stuck flailing like a fish and getting dragged around by my ankle, it really was a rush. I'm starting to feel like the classes are too short...well...except the warmup of course. Still hate that with a passion.
My FlowFit DVD came yesterday! I really wanted to start with the Ground Engagement series since it seems more applicable to BJJ, but I didn't want to get stuck in plow position just from being too eager. It's pretty straight forward and the first thing I've done that's gotten me sweating the same way doing drills does. 14-18 min is definitely doable for me in the mornings and my goal is 3x a week. I'm a little concerned about the squats since my right knee tends to give me problems, but we'll see. For some odd reason, my right quad and left tricep have been burning like crazy for two days. I'll probably skip cardio tomorrow morning just to give that and my knee a rest. This is my first venture into the world of athletics and at 30, I don't want to rush things.
Still waiting on my Jiu Jitsu University book (yes, I'm going to nerd my way through jiu jitsu). I'm hoping it'll give me some insight into some of the finer points of the moves I get lost in. I like a lot of detail when I'm learning and not being a naturally physical person, I need to hear/read just as much, if not more than I see and experience.
A couple of months ago, I would walk into the bathroom at the gym, look into the mirror and ask myself "What, Megan, are you doing?". The weirdness of BJJ has worn off though, and I'm starting to ask why I'm doing this and also asking what I want out of my investment. The answer to that has ranged from dreams of becoming a champion in the world of 40+ grappling women to getting in crazy good shape, to training only two or three times a week, to looking at myself, soaked with sweat and wondering if I'm wasting my and others' time. This, I think, is a good thing. Everyone walking into something as intense, demanding and never ending as the pursuit of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, should address what part they want the activity to play in their lives.
I'm no stranger to activities with a tendency to consume their practitioners. I've lived the all consuming life of a part-time graduate student, with professors demanding I drop ties to family, friends and career for the sake of a finance class. I've been a salsa dancer, staying out until 2am for the sake of one mediocre 4 minute experience. I've worked in business, for companies that expect you to give all your time, life and emotions for the sake of praise and acceptance.
I've been thinking a lot lately about where my focus/passion/energies are directed. My pastor has been doing a few messages on evaluating your passions. Also, I started a book on Friday on language acquisition that stresses knowing up front what you want out of a language so you don't focus your efforts on someone else's definition of proficiency. In both cases, my mind immediately went to my time dancing salsa. Anyone who's been a part of any dance world knows that it's something one has to experience from the inside to understand. Anyone that's been a part of the salsa world knows that it's probably the most intense of all the dance worlds.
Time with ze dahns
When I'm feeling out of place or nervous before a jiu jitsu class, reading other people's (especially women's, part-time and older grapplers) stories helps calm me some. I ran across an entry last night by a woman that had been practicing for about six years. (I can't find it now, it's lost in the memory of my iPhone forever) She was burned out, decided to quit and was telling the story of selling off her gis. The experience sounded a lot like the moment I started selling off my salsa DVDs.
I started dancing salsa around the same time I started graduate school (I look back now and wonder how I had the energy to dance, work and study). Before I even set foot in a class, I bought a DVD and learned moves, terms and patterns. Once I did start attending, I went to class twice a week, sometimes two hours at a time. I danced for half an hour to an hour every day after work. I developed a plan to learn to spin (more difficult for tall people, so it took me a while) that involved 3 practice spins in either direction every time I used the restroom at work. I posted daily on salsa message boards. I bought belly dancing DVDs to learn isolations and smooth out my movement. I kept a notebook of all I learned in private lessons, with plans on what techniques I wanted to work on for the week. My YouTube favorites overflowed with styling demos, videos of dancers I wanted to emulate, tutorials and clips of live social dancing. I bought a mirror for home practice so I could see what every movement I made looked like. I would spend Friday evenings (when I didn't go out) watching clips over and over, breaking down moves and timing to the smallest detail. I bought DVDs on styling by dancers from all over the world in an effort to find my best individual style. I would sit at work, knees throbbing and hot, ankles sore and feet calloused, searching the Internet for the next salsa festival. After I'd reached a plateau in Cuban style, I began branching into New York and LA style, driving 45 minutes for private and group lessons in another city. I was stocking my wardrobe with tops specifically for dance and suede soled shoes. I knew things were coming to an end when I backed off buying a pair of custom shoes that cost almost $150 because I didn't feel like they were worth the investment. I think my time officially ended with a dance in Beijing with the guy in the video. David Huo...he's an instructor my best friend and I had been dying to dance with since we both started dancing.
Looking back on that paragraph I have to ask myself, "what did I get out of those 3 years?". It was great stress relief while I was in school. I lost weight. I met tons of people. I was introduced to physical expression of music. I can hold my own when someone puts on Marc Anthony or Joe Arroyo. ...But were all the tired mornings at work, dragging myself in on only a few hours of sleep worth it? What does it mean that I, a person who keeps good friends for a lifetime, can only think of one dancer that I'm still in contact with? Was it worth the constantly injured toenails, cracked well beyond the quick? Was it worth sitting in clubs and bars (which I loathe...deeply) where I never felt safe, waiting for that one dance that would justify the time and anxiety of getting ready, driving and money spent on cover? Overall, salsa was a great experience. I can dance on vacation (salsa is huge internationally and very popular in most major American cities, and being the new, mystery salsera is a lot of fun) and still style on my own once a week to keep my skills up and add some variation to my workout routine. I'll also admit that without it, I probably wouldn't have been comfortable enough with physical proximity to do BJJ. I do think though, that the experience could have been more pleasant (and longer lived) had I had more insight into some of the social practices, availability of venues and expectations of how long I expected to be an active dancer.
...and jiu jitsu?
BJJ is very similar to dance. The class structure is almost identical. Most of the best in both fields started young, but they both attract new practitioners well into their 40s and some beyond. There are countless variations on moves and techniques and one has to be able to read slight changes in your partner's/opponent's posture, balance and weight placement to respond properly. There are rivalries between schools, big egos and nasty attitudes. There are a few key differences though, that I believe make a huge difference for me. BJJ, unlike the flashy salsa, seems to attract a lot of introverts. On the Myers Briggs personality typing system I'm an INTJ, meaning I'm an introvert and I like things to have a purpose. I've found most other jiujitsukas to be open and friendly but not overbearing. People hang out after class, but they have lives off the mats. Even those whose lives are dedicated to the sport, have families and obligations that they seem to take very seriously. BJJ is also very complicated. Salsa can be too, but not necessarily so. People don't show up to muddle through class just so they can have some social time. If someone keeps coming back, banged up and bruised, they're there to learn.
So what am I expecting from the time I put into the sport? I've been taking a look at what it's done for me so far...
•It adds an element of play to my life- Not entertainment, play. It can be difficult to find as an adult. Life can be heavy and serious and you need time to do things that you not only enjoy, but are actively involved in. Yes, you have to pay attention, but training with people you trust is really enjoyable. Focused fun if you will.
•I now have a clear delineation of care for my physical self-Anything left unchecked can seep its way into all aspects of your life. I believe that certain things in life are more likely to do this than others, but it happens quite easily and frequently.The core of what I do hasn't changed. I still move more and eat less and better. Now though, since there is a goal, I no longer feel like I should have gone an extra 10 minutes or feel guilty for the cookie I sneaked at lunch. I know what I should be eating and my workout is already planned.
•I get contact with similarly minded people-Being an introvert in an extroverted culture can be tiring. I've found that I interact relatively easily with most of the people at the gym and I appreciate that they take what they do seriously.
•I do get injured...I've been bruised, still have scars from mat burn, an am currently nursing some strained muscles on the top of my left foot, but nothing feels chronically wrong like it did when I was dancing.
•I've learned how to push through a different kind of pain-Conquering barriers in an area you're good at is one thing. Doing that in an area you're not? Whole different ball game.
My biggest concern right now is getting over the feeling that I may have bought a little too "high end" for my needs. My head instructor has a stellar resume and trains some of the best in the game. Is that something a part-time grappler needs? I used to worry that I was wasting people's time (even though I pay just like everybody else and receive plenty of critique.) I also worry that I may not be taken completely seriously but there's nothing I can see to support that, so I'm counting it as pure insecurity. I think I've passed the stage of potentially running away in shock (I'll never forget how surprised the head instructor was that I came back). I'll just keep showing up and see what happens.
Learning what I have about myself from my time on the dance floor, I know that I will ease my way into BJJ. Everyone's really nice, but if I'm never fully accepted, that's ok. I'm not looking for a new social circle. I own only one book that I review for one or two moves at a time. No cramming or deep analysis. I go to class twice a week and gear my breaks at work to help with my training. That's all. I could be learning much more quickly, but I don't want to. Not only am I a bit short on will from school and language studies, but I also don't want to rush into such uncharted territory. I also may never compete. Also fine. I have enough awards in life and have come to realize they mean much less to me than the bonds I've created with those around me. All of this is subject to change, but I'm open to that also.
