November 13, 2009
I walked into Brazilian Jiu Jitsu scared and slightly intimidated, but confident that I could handle the embarassment, awkwardness and ego-crushing nature of the art. I've been using the fact that I survived the first two years of Mandarin as motivation, but that's seeming less and less relative as time goes by.
Well, the smoke of confusion over purpose and goals is starting to clear and I'm left staring squarely at changes that must me made within myself. Our last warmup left me "sucking air" as it were. That was the first time in 3 weeks of classes that I was so winded...I don't know if the warmup was more difficult than usual, if I were pushing myself harder regarding form, if I were coming down with something or what...all I know is that I now must change who I am physically. Little weaknesses that mean nothing in the rest of my existance are huge disadvantages on the mat. The scariest part, is that I don't think this will change. I think there will always be something that causes me discomfort that I have to work through.
I in no way anticipated the physical conditioning demands and ironically, that's what's causing the biggest mental barrier for me. I can almost guarantee that no one at the gym thinks me being crouched over on my hands and knees, gasping for air is a big deal, but I'm not used to having an audience when I'm working through a difficulty and the fact that they're understanding offers little consolation.
The strangest part of all this is that I still feel comfortable over all. I'd just probably be skipping to class if there weren't a conditioning segment.