So we have a belt test coming up at the end of this month. This will be the second one that's come up since I've started. The first one was just a couple weeks after I started, but still, the concept made me feel horrible. At least that time I was so new that I wasn't expected to test.
This time though...it's a bit different. It's not that deep fear that showed up last time. This time is more like dread. Like I'm not yet fully recovered from school. I finished grad school incredibly tired of having to meet goals and deadlines and prepare for exams. That's mostly worn off, but I'm still a bit scarred. I guess that's what happens when you stretch school out for the sake of work. It's harder to get out of that pass/fail/everythingrestsonthisoneexam mentality.
I feel a bit relieved because I'll be out of town the day of the test, but I'm trying to take as much of what I out of my reaction. I'm taking it to mean that I'm not confident in the techniques that I do know...that I need to talk to my instructor about what we'll be tested on and that I need to stick with going three times a week to get down the skills I want and establish the confidence I'm missing. I'm also taking it to mean that I haven't quite made my BJJ progress my own.