So tonight was the first night post blue belt. I felt very minor twinges of belt induced feelings of inferiority...nothing worth writing about though. What got me tonight, was that none of the higher belts asked me to roll. Could mean nothing. Could be that big blue that joked twice about guys not wanting to roll with me because I'm "so big and strong"--was right. My first thought though, was that it's because I'm really boring to roll with. I'm back to mistrusting people's compliments, so even when WrestlerInstructor, KickboxingInstructor and PrettyvoiceInstructor all gave me genuine comments of "Good job!", I doubted every single one.
At the same time, I was proud to use the high guard, omoplata set up KickboxerInstructor had given me for the test. I didn't finish it, but instead stopped mid way to feel what was going on. It's honestly a really nice setup that I want to start using more often. Attacking from the guard is still a bit of a mystery for me.
All that made me realize that what I want more than anything in training, is confidence. For me, that doesn't come with a belt or compliments or prizes, it comes with proficiency...and that's going to take more mat time.
Although if you're anything like me, you'll never feel 100% confident. Hence why I tend to just assume everybody is letting me get stuff, and instead try to focus on whether or not I'm doing the technique properly.
The other option is to compete a lot. That way, nobody is going to avoid you for fights (as long as somebody shows up in your weight category, which may be difficult), and you can be certain nobody is holding back.
Yeah...I still feel that way with a lot of people. Despite my low levels of confidence when it comes to physical stuffs, I do think I can reach a level of comfort in what I'm doing. I think a good portion of my issues center around feeling physically awkward and "bumpy" when I move.
That competition deal...I know there are a couple of local girls that are even heavier than me...but at the same time, I'd hate to have to wait until competition just to get some sparring in--if it really is a size issue.
Hmm, yeah confidence. It's like a snipe. The few moments I experience true confidence are so few and far................
I seriously doubt you are a boring roll. Challenging, yes. Boring? um no.
Pretty much what slidey said...I've only been doing this 2 months now but one of my new year's resolutions is going to be to stop putting down my own efforts, because I do that too...assume that people are letting me get stuff, or that I got lucky, etc. and sometimes that is the case but not always. We should be confident - especially you because you've been doing it a while now and, obviously, just got promoted! Clearly, YOU ROCK. Hold onto that thought.
Confidence is such a tricky thing. I'm going to go back to asking the guys not to take it easy on me and letting them know I want to work more defense.
That's why the handful of guys that I call "favorites" earn that title. I've seldom felt as if I were being hand fed.
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