That statement will always stick with me. My therapist aunt made it during a discussion of bullying.
Reading Ryron Gracie's post on Mother's Day brought it back to mind. Specifically this statement:
"Through every year of my life and to this day, I have heard men mock, lie, tease, belittle, and place themselves above women and I completely understand why. The same way a child bullies another because of insecurities, men bully women. Keep the women down and we will stay on top."
I've talked before how kids, women...honestly, any minority, frequently plays the canary in the coal mine of society, but I think that analogy is a bit off. To say that sounds like the toxic conditions that affect the birds manifest themselves naturally or on their own. Ryron's post opened up a different connection for me...I realized that sometimes, those in power or privilege are emitting the gases themselves. The gasses of sexism, ageism racism, class-ism, weight-ism, homophobia...they're all carefully crafted bullying, mostly carried out by adults.
That all, is why the current discussion of bullying disturbs me just a bit. Children, to an extent, are mirrors. They learn their behavior from adults, and while the effects are more poignant to watch in the form of a child's tears or a teenager's suicide note, they are no less real in the alcoholism of a co-worker or eating disorder of a friend.
When people tell me they're surprised that I spend my free time around fighters and grapplers, I tell them that what happens in a cage is nothing compared to the subtle and quiet violence against the ego that I watch people so masterfully carry out in the spaces that we've deemed "professional" and "polite".
I wonder why we never have this conversation plainly...why we have a need to dress up childish oneupsmanship in sophisticated terms. Maybe because if we paint it with too broad a brush...if we simply call it a need to control, or a need to dominate, or a need to look down on another to feed our need to feel special...maybe then it will just become too hard to run from, too hard to push off on an "-ist", too personal.
Reading Ryron Gracie's post on Mother's Day brought it back to mind. Specifically this statement:
"Through every year of my life and to this day, I have heard men mock, lie, tease, belittle, and place themselves above women and I completely understand why. The same way a child bullies another because of insecurities, men bully women. Keep the women down and we will stay on top."
I've talked before how kids, women...honestly, any minority, frequently plays the canary in the coal mine of society, but I think that analogy is a bit off. To say that sounds like the toxic conditions that affect the birds manifest themselves naturally or on their own. Ryron's post opened up a different connection for me...I realized that sometimes, those in power or privilege are emitting the gases themselves. The gasses of sexism, ageism racism, class-ism, weight-ism, homophobia...they're all carefully crafted bullying, mostly carried out by adults.
That all, is why the current discussion of bullying disturbs me just a bit. Children, to an extent, are mirrors. They learn their behavior from adults, and while the effects are more poignant to watch in the form of a child's tears or a teenager's suicide note, they are no less real in the alcoholism of a co-worker or eating disorder of a friend.
When people tell me they're surprised that I spend my free time around fighters and grapplers, I tell them that what happens in a cage is nothing compared to the subtle and quiet violence against the ego that I watch people so masterfully carry out in the spaces that we've deemed "professional" and "polite".
I wonder why we never have this conversation plainly...why we have a need to dress up childish oneupsmanship in sophisticated terms. Maybe because if we paint it with too broad a brush...if we simply call it a need to control, or a need to dominate, or a need to look down on another to feed our need to feel special...maybe then it will just become too hard to run from, too hard to push off on an "-ist", too personal.
6 comments:
"When people tell me they're surprised that I spend my free time around fighters and grapplers, I tell them that what happens in a cage is nothing compared to the subtle and quiet violence against the ego that I watch people so masterfully carry out in the spaces that we've deemed "professional" and "polite"."
I LOVE that paragraph! It sums up how I feel. Most people are shocked to find that I am a martial artist, but I began to identify as a fighter not on the mats, but rather in all the skirmishes we go through every day. To turn my life around, I had to start identifying when people were verbally punching me.
Part of it is ignorance, too. Some people have absolutely no clue how being part of the dominant power hierarchy makes their life easier, so they judge people based on their own lives. It was easy for them! So, obviously, it must be easy for everyone - and if a person doesn't do it, they get someone to sneer at. "Really, how hard is it?"
We damage people's spirits, when we do that. Sometimes I wonder if that's specific to the American culture, or if it's just a nasty part of humanity in general.
I've given up on adults, as they're mostly fixed in their worldviews. But I volunteer as a Big Sister, and I'm going back to school to become a teacher. I specifically want to teach students who are struggling, because they need someone who can help them fight against the power that's stacked against them.
"Part of it is ignorance, too. Some people have absolutely no clue how being part of the dominant power hierarchy makes their life easier,"
So...so true. I can't explain how tired I am of watching people put others (individuals and groups) down, with absolutely zero effort to understand what it's like to walk in someone else's shoes or to acknowledge the benefits their environments give them. 100% sure this isn't just an American thing. I think it's a personality trait and some people just need to put others down instead of bettering themselves.
I try to hold out hope though, that adults can learn and grow...if not, I question whether children have any hope at all, since they're exposed to so much of what adults have created.
This topic has been on my mind a great deal lately as well. I think you hit it right on the head, Megan, when you said how putting SOMEone down offers a necessary uplift to person with the proverbial boot on your neck. But really, no one ever believes they are the "bad" person, so that's where the justification Heather talked about comes in, I think.
BS is BS, really. No matter where it comes from - impressionable child or "seasoned" adult - it still smells awful, whether the BS'er is feigning innocence or is just plain ignorant to power structure semantics. That, to me, is the sad part, because how to fix stupid is a riddle that hasn't really been solved yet. Sigh...
What a well written thought!
Thank you and this should be shared with more!
Victoria Gracie
Fantastic write up!
Now that I am a mom, I am realizing this all more and more.
People are expressing their own sad/hate by treating others poorly and in ways that are undefendable due to positions of work or just that it's so passive aggressive.
Is it really so hard to just be kind to everyone, all the time??
Best,
Victoria P Gracie
Thanks Victoria!
It's crazy how simple a concept the solution is, but how difficult it seems to be to reach.
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