21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 20

Victory without winning

Emotions without words

Physical intimacy without sex

Feminine energy beyond availability or absence.

Attraction beyond beauty

Achievement without grade and progress without promise 

Male tenderness...

Pain without animosity

Understanding without speech 

Education without books

Connection without class

Growth beyond a plan

exhaustion without futility

21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 19-Membership in a Supportive Fitness Community

Training BJJ has brought me into contact with a community that I was pretty sheltered from for a very long time--the fitness community. I won't lie...it hasn't really been a positive exposure. Of course, there's an emphasis on physical health, and that's important, but in all honesty, what I've seen is a culture that focuses on a very narrow aesthetic and encourages a level of personal self interest that reminds me too much of executive/acquisition culture.

I'll admit that I could have been biased as an outsider, or just misunderstood what was being paraded in front of my face, however, considering the frequency with which I see the terms "hater" and accusations of jealousy or unattractiveness tossed about...I'm thinking I wasn't 100% wrong to question the motives of some of the voices I'd heard. I was reminded of this during the recent hullabaloo over the two new mom photos that have been flying 'round the 'net over the past few weeks.  

I honestly only have beef with the situation connected with the photo on the right, and that's only because of the words chosen to go with the image. It was an interesting debate to watch...supporters praising Maria Kang's physique (which is admirable), detractors condemning the wording. Watching the two groups talk past each other day after day, something hit me...motivation is about as varied as body types and people either don't, or don't want to get (and implement) that. What one person sees as a motivational "What's your excuse?" another will see as condemnation. Not too difficult to apply one on one...negligent to ignore when posting in open forums like the internet.

I wrote on how much I dislike this type of "motivation" a while back. I loathe pretty much all inspiration porn...I have yet to run into anything with the wording "what's your excuse?" that didn't make my skin crawl over its crass and lazy over-simplification. The image below and the story of Oscar Pistorius is a great example.

Phillipa Willits said something about the photo that I think is highly applicable to the image of Maria Kang regarding oversimplification of the subject and hamfisting of the audience. I switched out a couple of phrases to see what difference it would make in context.

 It does not matter who the people in these photographs are, as long as their representation is enough to guilt non-disabled (aesthetically unappealing) people into action. Their use of prosthetics (having given birth) is the only thing about them that is of interest in these images, and it automatically turns them into some kind of superhero. Along with the captions, the implication is supposed to be, “Wow, they have a great attitude!”.

Having children isn't a disability, but based on the amount of discussion from new mothers on how they work to reclaim their previous physiques and how much raving has gone on over these two new moms, I'm going to go ahead and accept that we expect a certain level of aesthetic loss to come with motherhood, and that the two moms-in-question, have bucked the stereotype and "risen above" post-pregnancy bodies with their determination and lack of excuses. The difference in this case though, is that the losing party is not represented in the image, but instead embodied in the audiece...Shark Girl pointed this out well:

"Not only does it reduce a person to their disability, it also doesn't address the target audience's reality."

The whole thing makes me deeply thankful for BJJ (and the people in it), which still boasts an over-arching culture that is genuinely for everybody. That's not an easy thing to keep up. BJJ somehow maintains an environment that praises gas over defined abs, technique over body-fat% and personal progress over standardized end results. Of course there are bad apples, but I say this as a person who will likely always feel at least a little unathletic...even when I've felt my most uncoordinated and out of shape, I've always felt an undercurrent of acceptance in my training. Part of that is due to our bulky uniforms (gis are some serious body equalizers), but the most important reason is the willingness of most practitioners to take people where they are, and help them to through their goals. That environment right there, I believe, is the foundation of spreading a meaningful culture of fitness. When I start eating badly, all it takes is a night of training and spending time around other people who are also working to optimize themselves to motivate (not inspire...I'm not a very aspirational person) me to do better.

Some people, I honestly think most people, especially ones who don't have a history of being concerned about their physical health, need a community that will allow them to come as they are, fail when they do and not be condemned for either...not even under the guise of motivation.

21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 18-A Look Into a Future

The world can be saddening when you look at it. I don't mean death or famine or disease...those things bring about sadness, but their origins are, for the most part, natural. I got a real, but still somewhat detached reminder of this from my best friend who saw a man yesterday, shot and scared, in his last moments of life.

"Gosh. We really live on a clock. And sadly humans are the ones often stopping that clock for other humans" she tweeted.

Everything from war to racism to transphobia to verbal abuse, I genuinely believe, root themselves in stripping individuals, people, groups and cultures of their inherent, and easily apparent humanity. We all have a lot of words and ways to relate it, but the aggressors, at the end of the day lack empathy.

Empathy...true empathy...not just feeling bad when you see a starving child or sharing a post about the wrongs of racism, is a layered thing. It means you not only see the feelings of others...you not only experience the feelings of others...but that you then value those feelings. It terrifies me sometimes to see how long that road is for so many people and often nudges me deeper toward my natural cynicism.

I see jiu jitsu though. I see it force people to feel the humanity in others, even if only briefly, even if only in an effort to avoid tapping out, and it nudges me back. 

21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 17-Helping my Father Age

A stoic and broad shouldered 6'5" (197 cm), you wouldn't expect that my father is more emotionally expressive than your average Southern American Black man. Sensitive though he may be, his feelings are largely filtered through the lens of sports. He, like most of his brothers and some nephews, was an athlete. At most my family boasts a CBA player but athletics are a big deal on that side...so many of the lessons he taught me, were related through the language of sports (even if I wasn't the one playing...because I SO didn't take well to athletics).

My father is also an aging athlete. He's struggled with this since his 40s. Where he was once nimble and powerful, he now finds his body slow and less responsive. He still looks back fondly on his days on the basketball courts in high school and college. While he had never said it, I began to see how he missed the strength and agility of his old, young body.

He expressed that to me outright once I started training BJJ. In my hydration issues, tight hamstrings and exhaustion, he saw his memories. He saw himself. After a few rounds of tips on breathing, mental focus and not going soft on people, he finally told me of the pain high-performing athletes go through as they age--how they wish for glimpses of their days of glory--how he watches his old teammates delude themselves about their current abilities.

Jiu jitsu was incredibly hard for me at first. I am coordinated, but I don't move very well. Ginastica has helped recently, but before I got over the fear that GinasticaInstructor's class inspired in me, I looked to Scott Sonnon for help. In Mr. Sonnon's collection of movement development material, I found a simple DVD aimed toward maintaining mobility as you age. I gave it to my father one Christmas.

Six weeks later, he came to me, eyes welled up with tears, and said "You never...have to get me another gift again." I noticed the hitch in his gait, the one that chiropractors and podiatrists were unable to treat, was greatly reduced. He glowed with energy as he learned that he could recover just a bit of his lost self. He started telling his friends.

To this day he boasts of the woman at his church who no longer uses a cane because of what he showed her, and another woman, who went from a sedentary lifestyle, to jogging every day because of his motivation. In taming some of his fears of aging, my father has become a missionary of movement, and I have jiu jitsu to thank. 

21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 16-A Bittersweet Taste of Reality

If BJJ had a flag, it would be flying at half mast right now.

The Schultz/Maldonado trial is wrapping up. The fact that it happened is bad enough. The results that are coming down are sickening, but what I find most disheartening...and heartening honestly, is the reactions. BJJ has a tendency to lean toward the positive, which is awesome and amazing, but in all the camaraderie and focus on the happy things in life, some realities can be easy to forget.

I was reminded today, watching a man, on Facebook, defend his actions...not lie...not say everyone was mistaken, but declare that those actions, which were at best, complete disregard (and possible active contempt) for a teammate...were innocent because they weren't found to be wrong in court. There are few things that give me chills like people who consider the law to be the ultimate moral authority. As sickening as that was to watch, right now, I'm bracing myself for watching the regular guys...very much the minority, but still guys we all train with...defend the indefensible. I'm bracing myself to watch the evil next door.

Watching the reactions in and of itself and accepting, tiring though both may be, is good. I'm reminded of the time, when I was 15, and the guy I had a massive crush on showed up on the local news. He was always well dressed, well spoken, smart and polite. He was less so after being arrested for raping, murdering and dismembering a woman. That moment changed the way I saw evil as distant or "othered".

I don't believe that all life improvement needs to feel warm and snuggley, or even interesting and enlightening...or even personal. Sometimes an improvement is just the beauty of seeing the truth of some of the ugliness of humanity.  

21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 15-An MBA Outlet

Since I was young, I've had beef with the concept of "business". I always envisioned people in shiny suits, exploiting the customer, worker, and society at large at every chance they got. (To be honest, my real-life experiences haven't completely disproved that perspective.)

Somehow though, being the practical INTJ that I am, I managed to convince myself that an MBA might be a good idea. I enrolled myself in some intro classes that a local university was offering to students who hadn't yet taken the GMAT. All graduate level students in the college of business had to take them and I found myself sitting with accountants, CFOs, former stock brokers, entrepreneurs and kids fresh out of undergrad. On Fridays, I drove to the other end of the county to listen to talks from executives in various industries talk frankly about their lives and experiences in the business world. I fell in love with the whole thing and looked forward to the classes, even after long drives and a full day's work. The focus, as well as the classes, was global and addressed business as very much a function and reflection of humanity. Even through brutal finance classes (NOT my strength), I still felt a burning drive to learn more about what business really was and how it could serve humanity.

As much as I loved the study though, there was still a disconnect in my work life. See...there's BUSINESS, and then there's a career. Sure, playing with pivot tables and Gantt charts carried over, but for the most part, I longed for the discussions of game theory and deeper analysis of Hofstede's cultural dimensions. I wanted to talk more about labor movements in China and tuna fisheries in Myanmar.

BJJ has given me the opportunity to look at a young industry, still finding its footing, still working through all the rough edges and loose ends that are to be expected. It's allowed me to not only see business, but watch and experience, acutely and personally, what business means in the lives of individuals. Writing on business in BJJ has been awesome, and allowed me to explore some of the topics I feared would be lost to me after finishing school. 

21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 14-Exposure to Experts

I don't know about most people, but in the bulk of my adult life, I don't get exposure to true specialists...people who've devoted decades of their lives to learning their corner of the world. I think that comes from being disconnected from the arts since that's where you most frequently see the results of that kind of intense study. (The perils of a practical education)

I was reminded of this today though, while listening to Stephan Kesting interviewing Roy Dean. Dean has been training in martial arts since he was 16 years old (Kesting has a pretty deep background himself as evidenced by his line of questioning) and I found myself stopping what I was doing, just to absorb exactly how fluidly he spoke of the history of Aikido and Iaido. The ease with which he answered Kesting's questions on relationships between wrestling, Judo, BJJ and other arts only come with an understanding, not only of the art, but of the history of how that art flows through the humans that pass it along one to another.

These kinds of interviews can be easy to dismiss as planned or staged, but after some of the interviews I've done for GiFreak...Pedro Valente, Marcos DaMatta, Ryron Gracie, Draculino, I've come to think that that sort of response is simply the norm.

True expertise is one of the most authentic beauties of human existence...we absorb, we process, and then we birth more than we were given--and there are certain heights of that creation that come only after a life's been given over in dedication across decades of study.

21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 13-AMAZING People

So I have some unconventional things going on in my life/personality that makes running into people I can talk to for more than five minutes somewhat rare. Most of the people I connect with seem to be outliers of some sort...people that are hard to pin down. This, more than anything, has cemented for me the idea that BJJ attracts some special people.

So lately, seeing stuff like Meg's post on feminism, finding out comedian Jamie Kilstein trained, Julia's post on Internet behavior, visiting Cyborg's gym for an interview, running into an old training partner over the weekend, and having a vehicle with which to maintain contact with a very cool former pastor...I can't imagine what my life would be like without the amazing individuals BJJ has brought into it. 

21 Life Improvements from BJJ: 12-Awareness of Differences

OK...so Julia's about to lap me. 

It's easy to fool yourself into thinking that you're normal...that the world, while there are differences...is mostly comprised of people like you...and even if you cognitively know it isn't, it's still easy to behave and make decisions as if it were.

My cohort? Artsy, multi-racial, geeks who like travel/art/food/music, don't have children but do have the disposable income that comes with that. And that...is what's awesome about BJJ. I mentioned before that I don't REALLY have kids in my life, so having friends who have to regularly adjust schedules because of a sick daughter or miss a tournament because their husband needed to use the car...it gives me new (and more realistic) perspective on my own life, its struggles and its blessings.

21 Days of Life Improvements from BJJ: Day 11-A Break from Consumption

My college boyfriend had a huge gripe with me that we just couldn't get past. He loved the Friday night movie-at-home ritual and unfortunately for him, he was dating a woman who has probably never in her life, sat through an entire film without trying to make practical use of the time. I would be either cooking or organizing something or folding laundry.

Friends have stopped recommending media to me because I just don't get around to watching it...Death Note, The Grandmaster, Sherlock...not even Benedict Cumberbatch's enchanting presence has been able to get me to sit still long enough to watch an entire film/series without "multitasking". I don't even watch any shows regularly (I blame heartbreak from Lost and The 4400). I'm just not a very good consumer when it comes to media. I'm not a very good consumer period, which I think, in the modern world, is a bit abnormal. Consumption is what we do here in the West...food, sex, entertainment...if you take a step back, we're always being encouraged to consume and reminded of how great consumption is.

One day, in an effort to more closely analyze what triggers food cravings for me, I started paying attention to how many times I ran across food suggestions in a day. It was horrible. Gas stations, commercials, billboards, store fronts, even my beloved Saveur...food...food and sex...sex and food and entertainment. I started to notice it all...the caucauphony of consumption we swim through every...single...day.

Jiu jitsu is a needed break from that. It's a break from consumption. I think that that's one of the reasons I believe BJJ should be a non-sexual space, just like I believe there shouldn't be buckets of fried chicken on the mats. We need a break. We need space. We need a reset from consumer orientation to producer orientation, and that requires a figuratively quiet, sterile environment.

The other day, I was reading about Janelle Monae's Wondaland Arts Society, a space dedicated to creative reflection and production, and no food is allowed (save cotton candy and wine). I think there's a reason for that. I'm really not sure if people can do both well simultaneously. It strikes me as akin to multitasking...we're only fooling ourselves into thinking we're doing more than one thing at a time. We're really just toggling between doing two things at a diminished capacity. Just a thought.

And now...an awesome video.

21 Days: Day 10-A Different Self

I've developed this habit  of watching BJJ videos before bed. I was just watching the one below of this year's Rio Open and couldn't help but smirk at my current self. While training a martial art doesn't surprise me, I would have never seen myself in something as challenging as BJJ, and definitely not involved at the depth that I am. So yeah...that is awesome thing #10 BJJ has brought into my life. Flavor--that little surprise dash of emotional swings that keeps life interesting and allows you to be proud of yourself, and someone different than you would have imagined. There's something to be said for not being what you expected.

AAAAND...Julia has started her own 21 day pledge (and she's been way better at making it actually 21 days, as opposed to the 30 I'm pushing now:) Check it out!

21 Days: Day 9-INTJ Bonding

If you're unfamiliar with personality typing, check it out. It has its drawbacks, but it's amazingly accurate in understanding how people related to the world around them. It's based on four dichotomies and classifying people based on where they fall along them:

• Extroversion/Introversion
• Sensing/Intuition 
• Thinking/Feeling
• Judging/Perception

I'm an INTJ. We're the rarest of the types. The world tends to perceive us as strange and cold, and if you visit any forums dedicated to our type, or talk to one of us long enough, frustration with being misunderstood frequently comes up. Jiu jitsu though, has introduced me to another INTJ, BlackBeltInstructor. We tend to recognize each other quickly, and after a few conversations, I could smell the common ground. A brief summary... 

To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.

It's a bit strange...seeing someone who reacts to stress and boredom and attraction and uncertainty so frequently the same way that you do. It's a useful mirror though; sometimes a bit awkward, because on top of the way you learn to read each other through training together, you can also read each other's moods because they're your own. 

My best friend is an INTJ, and honestly, I don't think I've struck up a friendship with another one of us in years. It was a pretty cool surprise. 

21 Days: Day 8-Womanly Bonding

The idea that women all play the frenemies game is a nasty stereotype that I wish would go away (though I know it's true in many situations). Training BJJ has given me moments of bonding with other women of different backgrounds that, aside from some friends and family I've grown up with, I just wouldn't expect as an adult.

Just tonight, we sat between rounds, discussing how to deal with male moodiness (I swear men have hormonal cycles too), endurance in relationships and crazy family members. We've talked coping with periods while training, careers that haven't worked out, weight gain and ticking biological clocks.

And honestly, this isn't limited to real life. The women bloggers I've connected with have gifted me with some amazing conversations and much needed support in this world of BJJ. We're all incredibly different, but the connection happens regardless of demographic.

21 Days: Day 7-Rediscovering Language

I love languages. When I was little, I always wanted to be one of those people who could speak multiple languages, but my time in French class seemed wasted, so I assumed they just weren't my thing.

Fast forward about two decades, and I found out I do have an aptitude for language...that is when I have lots of exposure. I can't just sit down with a vocab list and absorb (horrid memory). I have to interact. Making that effort to interact has put me in some strange, and educational situations. It takes people a few seconds of hearing me speak Spanish to realize I'm not native (about until I start tripping over conjugations)...what that means, is that I can just walk up to a Spanish speaker (who also speaks English) here in Florida, and instantly become a part of a different circle in their lives...usually until they realize I'm American. That's the funny thing about language...sharing a language implies a certain level of understanding and intimacy, and in Spanish, in a country where it is common, but still the language of the minority, I'm frequently rejected as an outsider. It's not like Chinese or Japanese, where I'm a novelty regardless of location and a few well pronounced words almost always earns instant fascination and camaraderie.

BJJ though, has created relationships where speaking Spanish is just the next natural step in genuine friendship...something beyond me forcing myself into a culture that's not my own. There is trust, so my efforts to communicate come from a desire to understand.

And then there's Portuguese. After the scars and lessons of completely failing at Japanese (joseigo...really?), I limited my studies to only the three most commonly spoken in the world and I was satisfied. But then came omoplatas and all things boa and I heard the mystery again. A strange one this time though, because, thanks to Portuguese sharing a linguistic parent with Spanish, spoken, I understand very little, though I read my instructor's FB messages to close friends and family with relative ease. Training BJJ has made me consider breaking my language vows...I mean...who knows what awesome tips I could be missing out on. 

21 Days: Day 6-Friends

OK, so it looks like the 21 days aren't going to be consecutive.

Tonight I had what is likely my last roll with GinasticaInstructor. He's moving out to Cali, and then possibly Brazil. It was awesome, and just a touch sad. He's one of the few guys I feel comfortable being aggressive with and not totally outsized by. He's a strong 165 and I'm most comfortable between there and 180lbs.

Four years ago, the weekend after my first class, I was checking out at the grocery store and turned around to see a green-eyed man staring at me expectantly. "So...you coming back?" It was the tough, stoic, agile guy with the pale and beaten lavender belt from the school I'd just tried out. "Yeah...yeah I am." "...good." That guy went on to become the bane and highlight of my Saturday mornings, which I'd dedicated (mostly) to his ginastica natural class. It's hard saying goodbye to someone you've gotten used to being a permanent feature in your training life.

So tonight was a good reminder of another awesome effect of BJJ on my life--friends. Making friends...real friends is so rare as an adult. I've come to value the post-training conversations, surprisingly honest dinner conversations and happy chance run-ins more than I ever thought possible.

21 Days: Day 5-Emotional Connection

Man...just four days in and I missed a day. I've never been one for routine.

So there's this video of comedian Louis C.K. decrying children using cellphones because it deprives them of learning emotional connection, especially when it comes to seeing human suffering as a result of them doing something mean. When you think about it, it's kinda terrifying, because people can be really cruel when they don't know someone*.

While I like to think I have a healthfully developed sense of empathy, I'm a card carrying introvert, so I tend to short myself on the emotional connections. BJJ provides a controlled environment for connection...much deeper connection than every day life provides...what with its iPhones and Internets and twittering.


*The Milgram Experiment was set up to observe people's responses to authority, but I think the stranger component makes it applicable here. 

21 Days: Day 4-A Better Budget

So tonight's training was one of those nights I'm glad I started this series, because I got MAULED. I was tired from work and a bit distracted, so a night with the big, brawny guys, followed up by rolling with the amazing purple belt kid was just painful.

So the budget. I'm a shoe horse. And a jewelry hound. It started in middle school, when I would buy shoes  and socks in multiple colors and mix them up...red sock with white shoe and white sock with red shoe. Somehow, it seemed completely normal to me at 13 to be wearing shoes that laced up to the knee. I never outgrew it. Zappos used to be one of my best friends, and don't get me started on Gilt.com. I also won't go into detail on my $50 monthly chocolate budget for importing whatever random international blend I was interested in at the time.

Now, gi-lust aside, I just don't pull the trigger on pretty/sparkly things like I used to. Part of that is purely functional...more time at the gym=less time in places where things like art deco statement necklaces matter...but there's also less of a thrill from buying. There's a reason people use the term "retail therapy"...some people shop as a release. Me? A day at the mall is my version of hell. I'd literally (the real literally) rather have a cavity filled than spend an hour wandering around looking for some random top. Still though, I like a full jewelry box Chinese medicine cabinet and shoe rack. Somehow, though, now I'm satisfied with what I already have, and thrills come from escaping a particularly tight armbar.  

21 Days: Day 3-Outcome for effort

If there's anything I wish someone had told me in high school...or college...or before 25, it's that work is frequently not about getting things done, or being smart, or being effective. I heard on a podcast the other day that there's only a 20% correlation between intelligence and career success. The mismatch between what educational institutions reward, and my personal experiences (and those of just about everybody I know) in the workforce are nothing short of unsettling.

That said, BJJ is a HUGE relief after more frustrating days at work. The more I put in, the more I get out. That's not always true when you're working a white collar job where systems have faults and holes and traps for your efforts to get caught up, diluted and killed in. Every office would be a better place with a mat area, I swear. 

21 Days: Day 2-Peace with my hair

Another huge positive BJJ has brought into my life? Peace with my hair.

The journey to hair peace is a long one for any Black woman...many don't ever make it. I'm not talking about accepting the color or thinness or weird tendency to frizz...I mean getting to a point where the dead cells your scalp produces aren't something bad...when they aren't something to be covered or combated, beaten down with heat and chemicals and sheer physical force.

It's no short trip. Every now and again, I'll see a hair on the mat and feel a twinge of that old embarrassment I did at my predominately White middle school-a place where my hair was something strange and foreign, something teased and questioned. Even during my time training, I've heard jokes about pubic hair in reference to my shed strands. It's all part of the process.

While I was chemically treating my hair, training BJJ meant I literally had to choose between keeping my hair and training. Black hair is generally fragile, and the commonly practiced forms of straightening make it even more so. Mind you, I didn't go willingly. I was texturizing my hair only once a year, but still, it was breaking terribly. Even with the use of my balaclava, it wasn't growing the way I wanted.

So now my hair grows in its natural texture. My afro is full and fluffy, and flops from length, not damage. It's a good place to be. Every inch grown is a step closer to my previously waist length hair and the irreverently huge 'fro I want, not a reminder of time ticking on the relaxer clock. It's a good place to be. 

21 Days, 21 Life Improvements from BJJ

People say that it takes 21 days to form a habit. I'm not so sure about that and think it's akin to the 10,000 hour rule (a few test subjects short of scientific), but I do believe it's a good number of days to mold thinking. So...for 21 days, once a day, I'm going to post on a positive change BJJ has made in my life.

Day 1: Teen Time

Prior to training, I had very few kids in my life...almost none really. Save the occasional visit from a coworker's daughter, children were creatures I only saw occasionally in grocery stores and at the movies...and when I say "kids" I mean anybody under 18. 

Training not only brought kids into my life, but I'm interacting with them on a regular basis now. A while back, I wrote about a particularly sweet moment at the first tournament I attended where I watched one of the kids working to cheer up one of my fellow (then) white belts after a particularly rough match. Seeing people break the usual standards of interactions always makes me happy.

I think it gives perspective...circle of life and all that stuff. I like keeping contact with older (like 80+, death-is-definitely-knocking-on-my-door old) people because it's a reminder both of how short, and how long life is. A friend of mine...John...just passed away after a long battle with cancer, and hearing the way he faced his own mortality, and dealt with the void he knew he'd be leaving with his loved ones is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Conversations with him gave me insight into my probable future self. 

Something similar happens talking to teenagers. I'm still closer to their age than John's, but it can be easy to forget who you were then. Training and talking with them is a reminder of who I was, and insight into how much of that person I still am.