Managing Aggression

I'm still super-hyped over the couple privates I've taken with BrownBelt Wrestler. 

The techniques and principles have been great, but a big chunk of what's got me all amped is the side talk. I don't know if most people experience this...it really could just be me being me...but I don't spend time with my training partners outside of the gym. I still love them to death, but we're just not on that "chilling after class" level. Privates have given me a good chance to talk through a lot of stuff that can't get addressed in a class. 

Sometimes I envy smaller women starting out in the sport. The constant relative size. Not worrying as much about accidentally crushing someone with your 200+lb frame. While I was making notes on some De la Riva tips, I confessed that I worry a lot about accidentally hurting a teammate. BrownBelt looked me squarely in the face and responded that my size is a blessing. I stopped breathing. I think I teared up a little...which surprised me. As much pride and comfort I take in my height and build, I think I have a few sensitive spots deep down. I know I have a few sensitive spots deep down. He continued to explain that everyone that steps onto the mats is taking on risk. I've accepted that for myself, but I have a hard time with the idea that I might be the risk in question. He then told me I didn't have to worry about hurting him...which got my mind whirling around my issues rolling with smaller men.

I don't have an issue digging up aggression. It's right there whenever I need it. I just worry what it might do. It's just SO hard for me to judge how hard to go with them and how much weight to use. I know people say "pound for pound men are stronger than women" and I know it's true, but there's such a wide range of strength levels. With women, I know...don't toss them around, don't squash and focus on technique. Guys though...I've rolled with men smaller and weaker and some that were smaller and who could toss me across a room. Add on smaller white belts who I worry about "agitating" and having them freak out and snap my wrist, and there's just this...ball of confusion and hesitation in my head when it comes to them. 

I think I can learn push it with BrownBelt though. Not just because I know I won't likely throw out anything that would hurt him, but also because I trust him not to freak out about my size. 

The Lapel Chronicles

Inspired by a post on Georgette's blog, I'm contemplating taking a chunk of my BJJ education and switching up the methodology a bit. I'm a top down-learner, and while I CAN pick up quite a bit by learning moves in steps, it's really not my optimal approach. But, I believe most people do learn bottom up, so it makes sense to structure group classes this way. 

So yeah...lapels. They seem like a huge mystery to me. Sure, I know bow-and-arrow and baseball chokes and a few others, but the steps, man...the steps. I have the memory of a cotton-ball and anything that has more than four components to set up uses up a lot of my mental energy...so...in following the principles of jiu jitsu, I'm going to start playing with these moves from a purely experimental perspective, trying to internalize exactly what they're being used for. 

I had some success last week rolling with a blue that had just gotten back on the mats after surgery. I managed to tie up an arm after he anticipated my set-up for a choke and he complimented me on it. I admitted I didn't know what to do. He replied "Still, you now have one more limb to use than I do". Later that same class, I learned a mount reversal that revolves around using the lapel to limit body movement. Gonna see where I can go from there. So far I see four primary uses of lapel work...

• To control/limit the use of an individual body part
• To gain control an individual body part that can be extended to larger segments of the body
• To control balance/position of an entire segment of the body
• As a direct pressure element of a choke

Why don't I mind going to the gym?

It has been a long...week. The kind where you come home after a day of work and training sessions and dinner with coworkers, crash down into bed and get up and do it again. We've had visitors in the office, and while it can be enjoyable, it can also tire me out. I'm used to my quiet job in my quiet office with my quiet door that I can close for more quiet. I've finished my week in textbook introvert form...drained and in need of solace. 

This week left me wondering how 2 hrs of intense interaction with people on the mats leaves me feeling invigorated and not feeling the least bit that I need to run and hide. I think it's a combination of feeling that there's a purpose (it's hard for me to accept that after-work socializing serves a purpose) and that that purpose is shared...I've got some great coworkers, but the solidarity of "we're here to learn jiu jitsu" is wonderful in its simplicity.

Mini-piphany: Running out of aggression

I'm more reluctant to try submissions if I've had a day at work where I've had to "take charge" more than normal.

Also, a quote I ran across on a blog that I really like:
Hard to be happy when your happiness depends on other people losing. 

Worry...

I realized tonight that I actually worry a bit about the guys when they fight. A couple fight pro or amateur MMA/boxing and when they do, the first thing I think is "Oh no! He's cool! What if he gets hurt!". 

Great class tonight. We had question and answer circle, which was beyond helpful. Even when I knew the answer, it was good to see techniques explained and demonstrated again. I got some GOOD choke education. Which I needed desperately. My grip is weak...like disproportionately weak...like angry kitten weak. I don't need help opening jars like I did pre-BJJ, but my wrists are still pretty lame. We went over a baseball and a modified choke from closed guard that should help me out some. 

In injury news, My right glute is still messed up. I thought resting up since Monday and laying off the squat work would leave me ok today, but I was drilling an escape from spider guard with one of the teenagers, and getting my legs thrown to the ground HURT...nasty shooting pain. I only made it two rounds before having to sit out...which was super annoying, since after two, 7 min rounds, I wasn't terribly tired, and that was a first. I have a private on Monday and hopefully I'll be ok by then. 

These white belts have lost...their minds...

This is going to be my last post on the recent up-cropping of whitebelt-ego that I've been experiencing. My time at the gym is still 150% positive and the new lady visiting today was a reminder that my reaction to situations likely impresses on visitors...especially female visitors. That said. I'm really sad that I strained my right glut running today, because I needed it DESPERATELY to triangle the snot out of a white belt (#1) I was rolling with. 

Today was one of those days where work had me burnt and my gluts were sore from some squat work I'd been doing (making good progress on squatting with heels flat on the ground). I came in just hoping to make it through class. So after warm up and drilling (during which a separate white belt told me the way I was taught to choke was wrong...and proceeded to critique the technique of a blue belt), I was pretty spent, but I always push through "spent". The instructor paired me with white belt #1 who proceeded to yell across the gym, with a chuckle "she looks tired!". I motioned for him to come over. After I took his back a little while into the round and was working on an RNC in, a guy yelled from the side "does she look tired now?". I could have hugged him, but I was too busy working on a body lock. It wasn't worth injuring myself to prove a point, so the rest of the round, I just made sure to keep breaking him down and not letting him get anywhere near passing my guard.

The whole situation made me think of something I said to the lady that was having issues with a fellow green belt criticising her. I don't think I could have handled this properly a few years back. There's this delicate balance to walk of maintaining the proper behavior expected of your belt, not letting lower belt egos run rampant (you're not doing them any good if you do), not having guys go too easy on you, and not becoming a firey ball of vengeance every time you get tested...and goodness knows that's happening more and more now. I'm noticing it happens more with lower belts and when I'm the only woman in class...the higher belts already have a certain level of respect for me. But yeah...a colored belt really does translate to a target on your back. I think I'm going to get a patch that says "No, you don't get my belt if you tap me. Calm. Down."

It's got me thinking that maybe, just maybe certain newbies do need to be roughed up a little when they start...just enough to get some cracks in the egos.

I guess it's all just part of the evolution of a gym though. New people come and bring their personalities and faults and contributions and all those meld within the enforced rules of behavior in the environment. I just...look at this crop compared with the ones I came in with and the contrast is SO stark. My "class" was cooperative and helpful and generally respectful, with each other and with higher belts. I'm curious to see which of these new guys last and how long.