Friday, January 27, 2012

2011: Some failures

I don't tend to compound the good/bad in my life into blocks of time, but I was talking to a friend about the weight I've gained over the last year and she replied " had a rough 2011".

I didn't really think about it, but between being worried over my brother experiencing, then fleeing from the aftermath of the earthquake in Japan, a facial infection that sent me to the ER for the first time in my life, 2 months off training after having my foot torn up in a sweep, my grandmother passing away, and upsets at my gym, I can see why it wasn't the easiest year for me to stay on track with one of my biggest vices.

No excuses, but I know my triggers and I'm almost proud (almost) that I didn't gain more than the 30lbs I've put back on. When I saw the number at the doctor, I was shocked and shamed. I braced for a good admonition on losing some weight or changing my diet, but it didn't come. From cardiologist to Chinese medicine doctor, I haven't gotten that in years, my 200+ lbs normally brushed off as "still normal for my height and frame". All my vitals are normal and my body fat % are higher than I'd like, but still in a healthy range. Vanity pounds though they may be, they need to go.

I spent a good part of last year coming up with all kinds of new commitments and eating strategies to take fat off and ignored what worked for me the first go 'round...Tae Bo in the mornings, a supplement regimen that included biotin and something I call The Food Snob Diet.

So today, having skipped yet another class because of crazy times at work, I popped in a disc of Billy Blanks and got to it. 20 min in and I was done...I've turned into pure puff-ball and I felt shamed. As a practitioner of jiu jitsu, I was beyond mere fitness DVDs. Clearly I was deluded. The DVD had beaten me once again. BUT...afterward, I didn't feel tired at all, which before, I'd feel drained. So I have to start cutting back on nigh time Adult Swim (I do so love Aqua Teen Hunger Force) so I can get some sleep, get up early, and spend some quality time with Billy.


Deborah Clem said...

I am sending you many thoughts filled with strength and assurance. Your 2011 sounds like what I would lovingly refer to as a "character building." As if injuries are not annoying enough, a family death just rips the carpet out from you in so many odd ways. When my own grandmother passed away I felt like I took the appropriate time to grieve, but months later, I still suffered aftershocks in the form of short tempers, and a series of left field stress moments that had no explanation.

I know from your writing you are an incredibly strong woman and you will have a time of clarity in this gray.

Megan said...

Thank you so much Dagney.

As painful as I thought the initial period was, getting back to "normal" life has been...strange. I broke down in the car again this week and it totally took me by surprise. I find myself withdrawn and stressed at times and I can't explain why. I've also become strangely sensitive in certain areas of my life. Even my blue belt...I look at it and feel mixed emotions since everything played out as I was being promoted and she was supportive of my training.

They say grief goes in waves, and it really does seem to work that way.