So I did my 5th no gi class tonight.

"Megan's doing the no-gi class!" 

Yes. I've made it to blue belt with only 5 classes of no gi. Since day 1, it's just never called to me, but last class, Parrumpa mentioned that stepping up your no-gi game could be beneficial, so I bit the slippery bullet. I needed a third class a week and I guess this is gonna be it. (+10 for it being followed up by the advanced gi class).

We worked taking the back, which is always good for me, since I usually just jump on somebody's back like a cat on a can of tuna when I see it open...well...slower than that, but you get what I mean. We've covered this in gi, and it was honestly my...third or fourth time doing it in class, but it was one of those repeats that helped finer details sink in. I know people hate repeating techniques, but I honestly love it. Helps me understand. We also did an "up down" drill that transitions into an RNC (with a tip on not getting your arm snatched away and controlled in the process...helpful-tastic). This time, I got a much better feel for controlling my weight and balance throughout the process of rolling someone on their side and I've also decided to cross my legs on the bottom leg before going for the full back. KickboxerInstructor had mentioned this before, but it finally sank in tonight.

I failed miserably in defending a triangle tonight...and it just hit me, just this second, that I did because I was thinking of defending an armbar. I even called it an armbar. Why? I guess I left all my defense-sense in my gi.

What hasn't sunk in? I STILL settle for bottom half and side control too easily. I know it's important that I learn how to navigate down there, but it's like my mind shuts down. Must drill tomorrow.

"I'm never looking for the best students...

...I'm looking for the right students. For the ones that are going to make me comfortable to give my best to them."
~Saulo Ribeiro

This man never ceases to amaze me as a teacher. His perspective on instruction is something all teachers, not just of jiu jitsu or martial arts, can learn from. Check it out.

Big Girl Syndrome

I expected to be over it by now.

Jiu jitsu can do amazing things for the body image of a woman who hasn't dealt much with the physicality of her body during her life. I've fully accepted being heavier than all but one or two of the guys at the gym. I've come to take pride in the usefulness of my long legs when it comes to spider guard and triangles. I don't shy away from applying my full weight in knee on belly anymore...but there's still something there and I thought those cobwebs would have been swept clean by now by an arsenal of amazing sweeps. (my sweeps suck btw)

That photo? That's from my last trip to Japan. Upon meeting me (having already known my even larger brother), the lady in the picture remarked "We...we are Hobbits!" apparently now being left with the impression that American women normally come in Amazonian proportions. Just last weekend, at the seminar with Sofia Amarante, she remarked at how small I made her feel, which didn't surprise me and I honestly found it funny. Afterward though, it made me think...this is a woman who trains with the massive Roberto Abreu...he's not that much larger than me, so I would have assumed she'd be used to feeling tiny. But that made me realize that there is a genuine difference between being a large woman and being a large man that extends beyond the hard facts of height and weight. Basically, I present as bigger than a man of my same height and weight just because I'm female.

As an aside, I find the need to differentiate "Big girl syndrome" from "Fat girl syndrome"...the terms seem to be used interchangeably, but I've gone through periods in my life where, yes, I've felt and been technically overweight, but there are also periods where I've been asked to and if I modeled, so I can't rightly or fully claim that. Perhaps a better title is "Amazon Syndrome", because regardless of weight, I am large, and every now and then, I'm reminded of my little abnormality.

This past Friday, locked in the guard of a new green belt, holding off his muscling, the feelings inched their way in...always being taller than all the boys in class, being referred to as "big man" by a guy in gym class. I sat in his full guard, watching him struggle and muscle and fatigue himself until I freed a leg and passed to half. I bore my weight down with no shame, no sensitivity and watched him push with very little success. There lies one of the struggles of the blue belt...as a white and green, I would always wonder if the guys were being nice and simply letting me settle my weight and hold them down. This time though, I could see clearly in his face that he was trying his hardest and my weight was simply too much to move. I went back and forth in my head, wondering if I should play "little man" as to not further my reliance on my size when it comes to passing...what would Gabi Garcia do?...after all, I'm still pretty helpless against the bigger purples...but then my ego kicked in, I decided I wasn't going to let a lower belt dominate me, and dropped a little more shoulder pressure and tried a new half guard pass Parrumpa had taught us just before the belt exam.

I have found little peace on the mats in my odd mix of size, strength and gender...feeling like a behemoth one roll and a rag-doll the next. I am still that un-girl that the boys feel less shame in being partnered with but am relatively easily muscled into an Americana (the pushups have helped a bit). I genuinely thought that, by blue, I would have mounds of clarity. While I am much better at understanding and using pressure instead of weight and controlling the momentum of my own mass, I still feel quite confused in the sea of my own size. 

New gym! Baller locker rooms! Great deal for new students!

So I feel like I've turned some sort of subtle jiu jitsu corner...maybe it's the new gym (with the magical locker rooms...the ladies have two showers!), maybe the blue belt is starting to sink in, maybe it was attending my first event outside of training classes this past weekend...not sure and it really doesn't matter, but I feel more comfortable than I have in a very long time. Standing guard passes don't send me into instant doldrums of frustration, I'm finally starting to see the difference between pressure and weight, and bottom side control...well I'm still freezing and letting people settle their weight, but I can see enlightenment somewhere around the corner.

Tonight was very good, if only because this is the first time I've felt no limitation in drilling passing from standing. My cartilage deprived knees crackled and snapped as usual, but no pain, even now. We'll see what the morning brings, but I have hope that tomorrow will not involve Advil. I'm using my lassos more freely and open guard...I see a chance of actually passing Jazz Hands'...didn't actually happen and I got choked eight ways from Sunday (kept forggeting that you can actually be submitted while passing), but again, another light. So yeah...to quote Ice Cube, today was a good day.

Oh yeah!! The gym is running a REALLY nice deal for the opening month...so if you're in Palm Beach County, classes are just $100 a month to train at American Top Team if you sign up before April. Click here for more info. 

Women's Open Mat with Sofia Amarante

"OMG!! You're excited about half guard!!!"

That's what one of the ladies from American Top Team that traveled with me down to yesterday's open mat texted me afterward. I've lamented being "half guard stupid" for...ever now. I just let people settle and completely miss that "moment" that is so essential in avoiding being crushed and mounted and all the ugliness that happens afterward.

It was so much fun...At first I thought it would be three hours of getting to know other ladies that trained...some drilling, sharing techniques, and sparring. Nope. It was way better with two lady-black belts leading the session. It was a straight up class format with running, drills, techniques, the whole shebang. Sofia "Bubu" Amarante, world champion black belt under Roberto "Cyborg" Abreu led the class and she was nothing short of amazing. Anybody who can walk 34 people through rolling over their shoulders gets mad instructor props from me.

I took home a couple of new drills, the biggest of which was the shoulder rolling (which I will definitely be working on the regular now). It was essential in the third and fourth techniques that Sofia taught and honestly, something I've always been hesitant to actually apply. I tend to graviate toward to the most straight-forward and obvious paths to get where I want. On a high level though, I have more confidence in negotiating that "moment" around half guard.

Oh yeah! I got to roll with Jen from Family Mat-ters! It was the first time I'd trained with anyone from the BJJ blogosphere. Meeting people (let alone sparring with them) I first get to know online strikes me as trippy no  matter how many times I do it, and I've been doing it for years now.

The standout moment though, was probably the Predator raffle (even more props to these guys for their marketing). The lady that won was a white belt who didn't have her own gi...awesome way to get started with a custom made and embroidered gi from Black Eagle. And now...photos!

ATT!!

A huge thanks to South Florida Fight Club for hosting such a great event, Sofia Amarante for her awesome instruction and Stephanie for getting it all together. Can't wait for the next one in Miami!

I have nothing to prove, not even to myself.

I've lamented recently that I had lost the courage that I had as a white belt. That current Megan isn't as brave as  the one that jumped into that line of galloping men two years ago. I still remember the breath that launched me onto the mats, and I realized today that all that is true.

Courage is overcoming fear...and I was afraid...though not only of the warmups and the drills, but also of what it would mean if I turned around and got back in that car. With every nervous text sent out to a friend, every mirror pep-talk in the gym bathroom, there was a deeper, purer trembling inside me. A trembling to which, in my courage, I succumbed and I used. "If I quit, who will I be?" For every ounce of courage I mustered to overcome my past self, there was equal fear fleeing a potential future. That alternate version of Megan scared me more than any number of up-downs or ukemi. I had to prove to myself that I was stronger than that fear.

And I did.

And I needed to.

Today though, is different. It would be a terrible thing to spend my days running from, or even toward, myself. My best friend wrote a post addressing competition with self just when I was getting over my turfed toe last year. It's summed up best in this line..

...but I am moving away from competing with myself mantra and focusing on how much I love this art. 

I go to class not because I'm scared of what 40 year old Megan will look back and see...not because I fear letting down my team or women or friends. I now go to learn and grow in something I enjoy and share with people I like being around. I train because this is now a part of my life. How much? That will change, ebb and flow, no doubt, and I in turn will adjust.

I believe that neither quitting nor succumbing to fears are inherently bad. There is skill and value in knowing when to quit and when to give in...we are limited creatures with limited resources, strength and will, and opportunity cost is very real. So yes, I'm less brave and yet more confident. I am finding newer, cleaner, calmer motivations.