So tonight was the first night post blue belt. I felt very minor twinges of belt induced feelings of inferiority...nothing worth writing about though. What got me tonight, was that none of the higher belts asked me to roll. Could mean nothing. Could be that big blue that joked twice about guys not wanting to roll with me because I'm "so big and strong"--was right. My first thought though, was that it's because I'm really boring to roll with. I'm back to mistrusting people's compliments, so even when WrestlerInstructor, KickboxingInstructor and PrettyvoiceInstructor all gave me genuine comments of "Good job!", I doubted every single one.
At the same time, I was proud to use the high guard, omoplata set up KickboxerInstructor had given me for the test. I didn't finish it, but instead stopped mid way to feel what was going on. It's honestly a really nice setup that I want to start using more often. Attacking from the guard is still a bit of a mystery for me.
All that made me realize that what I want more than anything in training, is confidence. For me, that doesn't come with a belt or compliments or prizes, it comes with proficiency...and that's going to take more mat time.