Monday, August 9, 2010

I really did forget...

Just a week and a half off a three site biopsy (all's well) and I forgot...
I forgot how hard this is.
I forgot the pain.
I forgot showering three times a day.
I forgot I can't eat afterward.
I forgot about the man-scented bathroom and perpetual laundry.
I forgot what it was like to use my body...the whole thing...as a weapon.
I forgot about the fatigued back muscles and cracking neck bones.
The sting of hand sanitizer on fresh mat burn surprised me.
I forgot supressing panic when you can't breathe.
I forgot how great you feel after class.

Class was a trip today. I think my body's still a little miffed over being invaded by needles, so I took it easy. We started out doing defenses against omoplatas...Wooooo! The second one involved a lot of chest pressure....Booooo! My breasts can normally take a good amount of abuse, (which is part of the sport..heads up to any ladies out there reading this and considering taking up the art. Be ready for it). Today though, I was scared and hesitant. The idea of side control, top or bottom, had me itchy. That defense? There was no way. I just couldn't maintain proper pressure while spinning on my inside knee. I wasn't in pain or anything, but my mind wouldn't let me go there yet.

I got one round of sparring in though (with a heavy, but well controlled blue) and, keeping with the August-starting-in-side-control plan, I'm starting to see some progress. As much as I know what I'm doing, and what I should do, getting all that flowing together is a world unto itself. After some time off though, I seem to be able to better focus on technique.

I was telling my best friend about the experience all the new emotions that come up for someone like me walking the BJJ road, and she made the insightful-as-always observation that that's rare for adults. For this experience, I am thankful and glad.

I'm glad to have sore hips again.
I'm glad to be back to using Dial.
I'm glad to have a blue belt look at me after a roll, tell me I did a good job...and mean it.
I'm glad to be able to smile again while someone's trying to dislocate my shoulder.
I'm glad to be back to tolerating pain.
...not so glad about sore knees...

Something about even the idea of potential disease that makes you feel weak. I'm glad to feel strong again.

6 comments:

Georgette said...

Uh, biopsy? Girl, you're in my prayers.

The Part Time Grappler said...

What a great post Megan!!

Megan said...

Thanks Georgette...it turned out well but always accepting prayers:)

Thanks Liam!

juliajohansen said...

I felt the breast pressure yesterday. We were working on positional sparring where the person on the bottom had one knee up around 90 degrees and the other near (but not on) the ground and the person on top was supposed to try to collapse their leg.

When I was the person on top I had to figure out which part of my chest was best to push on--between the boobs, or to either side. lol At one point they got a little...torqued. Ack.

Glad to hear things went well on your biopsy.

Jessica said...

Just ran across your blog--glad to hear your biopsy went well! I had a mammotome biopsy done last year, and it took me FOUR months to get over the heebie-jeebies of it to get back on the mats. Great post!!! Will def. start reading your blog regularly :)

Megan said...

@Julia-I didn't have many issues until now. I could take pressure just about anywhere. Now? Nope. I just hope I can get back there one day. I'm all hesitant and thinksy during passes and armbars and side control and...yeah.

@Jessica. I had the mammotome too. 5-6 samples at each site. The first two weren't bad, but that last one? Not cool. The anesthetic didn't take as well or something. I'm still bruised and have scars from a reaction to the adhesive, so it's definitely still on my mind.

The one instructor that I told about it (I just told him I'd had minor surgery and wanted to go light sparring, didn't see any need to go into details) is still really protective of me. I was ready to try one of the big guys again last night, and he switched me out for one of the ladies. Might be a good idea for another week or so though, since I'm still pretty sensitive to pressure.